seeing through a pair of sunglasses

16/02/2012

2012-02-16T22:41:00.004+08:00

i met this woman this morning and i love her. oh my. i love her look, her overall appearance is chic, fresh and very pretty, and she doesn't speak in a condescending tone haha.

'day':
1. cleansing milk
2. wash with water/ soap
3. 'lift' it with cotton
4. moisturizer
5. loose powder
6. compact powder
7. eyeliner for inside the eye
8. eyeshadow
9. eyeliner again to really line the eyes now
10. blush& lipstick

seriously, how many hours do you need?! :O

BMI= weight/((height)^2)
18-24.9 normal
25-29.9 overweight
30-40 obese

exercising daily for 30 mins a day (routinely) is much more effective than exercising once a week for 2 hours straight each time.

15/02/2012

2012-02-15T23:17:00.005+08:00

cannot remember much from the vocal expression in English except that i ace most of the tongue twisters. of course, i've been practicing some of them since i was a kid :P

wardrobe, oh wardrobe.

there are 3 basic 'bag' to go for 'party/formal occasion':
1. clutch
2. short strapped
3. long strapped

...and there are 3 basic 'colours' for such bags:
1. black
2. gold
3. silver

so... combine it altogether, if you want to have every bag to match every dress you have, you need to have... 9 purses/bags. what the heck.

and to go to such formal occasion, you need to wear heels at least 7-9cm, and not the broad/wide heels, but the thin and sharp heels D: (in my mind: ohmygoshohmygosh stilletto D:) sigh, not everyone is blessed with healthy, strong legs that can bear wearing such heels, you know.

wedges are supposed to be worn for casual wear only. (really?? my mother has this very gorgeous wedges with much bling and i think they're waaayy too dressy for casual wear, puh-lease.)

'warm' colours (red, yellow, orange, brown) are best matched with gold accesories.
'cool' colours (blue, green, purple) are best matched with silver accesories.
'pastel' colours are best matched with pearls.
black and white colours can be matched with anything.

don't wear something with a neckline that is similar/same with the shape of your face. e.g round face, avoid round neckline. wear a top that has the same/similar colour with the bottom to look taller. if you wear contrasting colours, wear accesories to complement. e.g if you wear a red top and black pants, wear black necklace to complement the black pants. wear shoes that have the same colour/tone to the bottom to look taller. (but if you wear contrasting colours like the red top and black pants, you can wear red shoes to complement the red top).

if the top you're wearing already has some details around the neckline e.g ruffles, beads, lace etc, don't wear a necklace. when wearing a necklace, you need to watch the distance between the necklace and the neckline. too close is a no-no. actually, wearing a necklace that cuts the neckline is a no-no. e.g wearing a long necklace while wearing a normal round neck t-shirt. the necklace will 'cut' the round neckline. however, long necklace is a trend nowadays, so it's ok. but they say the best way to wear a long necklace is when you have a 'closed' neckline e.g turtleneck, so the necklace can shine, and your outfit can shine too.

forgot what else, so much information, so little time.

14/02/2012

2012-02-14T22:38:00.003+08:00

1. know yourself (your emotion/mental state, habits, behaviour...)
2. accept yourself (this is the most difficult part for some people, and many can't get past this stage)
3. express yourself

when an emotion wells up in a female, she will do something to channel that emotion. there are 4 types of female according to the way she channels her emotion:
1. she'll cry
2. she'll ask a friend for a walk and become very talkative, she'll have a long HTHT talk with that friend
3. she'll
4. she will do something to keep her hands busy, e.g doing chores etc to keep her mind off that problem

however, such 'channelization' does not solve the problem. if it is left unsolved, the problem will take root inside her heart and once it is nudged again, it will easily surface again many times greater than before. after she calms down (after channeling her emotion), she needs to face and solve the problem, talk to related people etc, to really finish it.

rule of etiquette (for general people i.e no ranks, etc): female is the QUEEN.
that's why male needs to open the car's door for a female, press the lift button, open the door to a restaurant, walk first to show the direction to female, stand when a female sitting next to him stands, and also when she approaches him.

not that i want to emphasize gender differences, but apparently it is what it is in the etiquette of universal business. hmmm :/but it's quite interesting to know, though i have difficulty remembering such stuffs~

13/02/2012

2012-02-13T15:45:00.002+08:00

"There is no such thing as unattractive people... only people who don't know how to make the most of themselves."

warning, unattractive here does not only refer to the physical beauty. you can also rephrase the quote such as everyone has the same opportunity to succeed, just that he/she needs to know how to maximize his/her potential.

"Never admire anyone more than you admire yourself, because you are unique."

it may sound a bit 'narcissistic', but it is a first step to respect and appreciate yourself. if you appreciate a limited edition LV bag, for example, because it is rare and difficult to get, you should appreciate yourself, which is only one in this world. the world only has one 'you'.

"Positive thinking is not enough. What is important is to have a positive attitude."

and....

"Negative thinking is not wrong, it's what keeps us humans."

but a negative way of thinking can also be used such that it becomes a part of our positive attitude.

update to be up-to-date! :D

2012-02-07T11:06:00.003+08:00

i may start jotting down some random notes from 13 to about 28 feb haha. i am joining some interesting courses during that period ;)

and back to my old routine, i am again a part of the chuch's music team (: i'm so glad to be back, and i'm hoping for more! i hope i can learn more, and maybe pick up guitar skills from them lol. oh my, and i'm in the same group with my friends haha, i couldn't ask for more.

have a nice day everybody :D

P.S trying to wash away the despair from the previous post with this light-hearted short post (:

Published drafts (4): The Pain Afterwards

2012-02-07T10:23:00.001+08:00

..(continued).. How if your heart hasn't changed, but it has changed on the other side? Because any kind of feeling is a 2-way communication. I have been trying to ignore any kinds of feelings, until that day. He slipped away, and I couldn't do anything about it. I knew the news, I could sense it, even before they realized it. That was, and still is, the most painful feeling I have ever felt in my life. I even had trouble breathing sometimes just because I felt so much pain, so uncomfortable. I knew that to be a bigger man, I should be happy for them. What can I do anyway? Now he can be happy again. But I am a human anyway.

We were not the most harmonious people together, by the way. We had a lot of conflicts. When I approached him to talk, he was not in the mood to talk. When I thought he needed some time alone, he wanted to talk. And the same thing applied to me too.

And the news. The news. It... affected me more deeply than you might think, even more than I could imagine. It has somehow retracted me back to my shell, like a tortoise searching for protection. The world I have known seems to crumble down before my very eyes. This depressing feeling, this nothingness. I seemed to lose grip to the most stable pillar I relied on. I, again, can't bear to see them eye-to-eye. I can't even talk to them sometimes. And I can't hear people talking about them. I just wanted to go away.

Do you ever wonder why there is just a mere silence between us? I am sorry, but that's because I myself don't want to start any conversation with you. If I don't feel like it, I think I am giving off a pretty strong negative aura. Not because I don't have any topics to talk about. I have so many things to tell you, really. I want to tell you a lot of things. But I will just hurt myself. Sorry, for being so egocentric.. And I don't want to start crying or something. I'm scared that I will just go on and scream at you and cry to let go of this built-up emotions. So.. that's it. I avoid any conversation with them, and I just can't, I simply can't look them in the eyes. Even just looking at their silhouettes from the corner of my eye pains my heart.

That night, I cried. I couldn't cry my heart out, because I would howl and yell as loud as possible if I did. And I couldn't sleep. I wanted to distract myself. But I didn't know how. I couldn't possibly open social networking sites when the news was just freshly published. It would be like pressing hot iron to an open wound, then sprinkling some salt on it. I couldn't study. I couldn't concentrate. I didn't have any appetite to eat. I needed to do something, really. In times like this, I usually went to a piano or get a sketchbook. It was late at night, I couldn't possibly play the piano, so I grabbed my sketchbook and begun to draw. I really didn't want to draw any faces, so I picked a picture of the side view of a person with a lot of shadows. I didn't even care the room lights were off. I turned on my bed light and continued. I drew like it was a drug, like I was clinging to it for a moment of escape. It was around 2 am. And unexpectedly, a person sent me a message at that time, asking whether I have slept. I said that I couldn't. And it was nice to see a 'caring' message from someone unexpected in times like that. And after exhausting myself, I drifted to a slumber.

The bad news is that I can constantly meet them, duh, we're living in the same place! The worse news is that everyone is happy about it and expecting it. I know I should be happy too, but I just.. can't. Not yet.

And I can't express this feeling in any ways. I just told one person in this hostel about this. I couldn't even talk to her verbally, because people around us will hear me. I wrote, and I wrote, and I wrote, because writing is one of the most honest way to express a feeling for me. I couldn't talk this out, this is just too complicated to say out loud. And I couldn't write this anywhere online, my blog and my accounts are all known to them. It would just create unnecessary commotion. For some time, I couldn't even write anything, really. I just can't. It kept breaking my heart to start writing and I would start crying. However, this emotion kept building up. And I couldn't hold it any longer. I wanted to express it, I needed to write. For my sanity. Hence, I created another blog. No one knew what it is, and I hope it remains hidden. It's just a way for me to vent out my feelings. Depressing stuffs there.

You know what's scary? I understand the feeling that people would consider suicide after this kind of news. The temptation to slit my wrist just to convince that it cannot be any painful than this feeling. My knee went off again one time. And I didn't even feel the pain. The emotional pain somehow numbed any physical pain. Which brought my thought to the above temptation again. Morbid, I know.

I am not saying that I had the worst situation in the world. I am just saying that I was in my lowest state of my life. I was in the trough of my life. This year (2011), I almost fainted twice. This year (2011), I need to clean my bed everyday to collect the clumps of fallen hairs. There are unbelievably a lot of fallen hairs. This year (2011), I need to change my bed sheets weekly because my moist hands and legs somehow dampen them faster this year. This year (2011), I lost my weight until I was about 46 kg when my normal weight is usually 52 kg. And I haven't gained back until that normal weight ever since.

It was a tough, tough work managing this feeling, and striving for better results at the same time. I haven't really gained my grounds here, and I am yet stuffed with this, which is a major setback for me. I am really sorry, but you are one of the reasons I do not want to continue studying in Singapore. I often hope that people would just stop talking about this. But then I realized, I am the problem. I am the sore thumb that sticks out. I need to get out of this environment and let them be happy the way they are. After all, I don't place any important roles for them, right? Thank God I was out of prep time, because if not, I might be stuck with them and just held that pain while forcing myself to concentrate. I didn't really like studying in the library, it made me sleepy. But if I studied outside, I would have no valid reason not to sit with her, wouldn't I? And if she sat with me, he would sit with her if he came, right?

Sigh.

(to be continued)...

no wonder I am a feminist

2012-01-24T13:44:00.002+08:00

As a female, you should be able to master everything.

My mother... is different from other mothers, or from the mothers of people I know of, at least. While other mothers are concerned about their children's safety on the roads, my mother encourages me, and even 'forces' me to be able to ride a motorcycle. After I can master that, then I will proceed to learn to drive a car. When I asked my mother the reason of having me to go through that, my mother's response was as quoted above. Hmm, no wonder I'm a feminist.

interesting trip back home (:

2012-01-18T23:05:00.004+08:00

so this afternoon..
i went to my assigned seat, 5E.
oh, there was a man sitting in 5D already (D/F? the one that's near to the aisle)..
i wanted to put my bag in the upper cabinet, but the one above my row was full already :/ oh well.
i asked one of the stewards and he put it in the upper cabinet above..row 7 i think?
ok then i had to ask that man to let me pass through..
it was a middle-aged man, probably slightly older than my father.. and i was intimidated just because he's older haha.

not long after i sat comfortably in my seat, another man came (along with the ongoing queue..)
this time, it was a young man, probably around my older brother's age and he has a kind face.
he was pointing to the empty seat next to me (the one next to the window) and smiled.
i pointed it again as if trying to confirm whether it really was his seat.
he said, "That's mine."
oh, alright. now that older man and me went out from the row for a while to let that younger man in.

noo i feel left out now haha. i was in between these two caucasian men. and there i was. a female, asian, and the shortest. haha.

i slept for some time in the beginning of the flight.. so nothing happens.

then not long after i woke up, the pilot gave an overview about Indonesia's conditions.. the weather, temperature and stuffs. he said that the current temperature was 31 degree Celcius.
then the younger man sitting next to the window said 'wow.' and flapped his hands *gesturing that it was hot*.
and i laughed.
then he said again 'wew, it is hot there!'
and i said 'yeah!'

he then turned to me and asked 'do you speak english?'
i answered 'yeah!'
he asked again 'do you live in jakarta?'
i again answered 'yeah!'
then i followed up 'but i studied in singapore..'
he said 'oh! what did you study there?'
i laughed a bit and said 'haha i just finished high school..'
he said 'oh...'

he asked again 'is the central city of jakarta far away from the airport?'
(i seriously have no idea D: my knowledge of jakarta's urban structure is very minimal, considering that jakarta is actually 'out-of-town' for me)
so i answered 'i don't think so.. i actually live in the suburbs area so it was quite faraway from the airport, about 1 hour drive.. but the main city shouldn't be that far from airport..'
then he said something about going to the train station near the national monument or something (my ears felt kinda plugged up at that moment D:) and i could only smile and chuckle along then he said something about not to worry because he had .... something (i didn't catch it) so hopefully it would be okay!

then after a while, 'so now you're going to university, right?'
i nodded and said 'i'm waiting for my A Level results though..'
his eyes widened and he said 'oh! so you did british curriculum?'
i nodded.
he asked again 'so what A Levels did you take?'
i was rather confused for a while about that question then i just answered..
'Physics, Chemistry, Maths.... and Geography.'
he then said 'WOW. it's difficult, right?'
i chuckled and did not deny that statement xD

that man has a British accent (though not as thick as... Harry Potter actors haha) that I.seriously.LOVE. i like it even when i only heard a 'thank you' from him when i handed over his glass of water. and i like talking with new people, actually. love it.
i seriously considered to continuously ask random questions just so he wouldn't stop speaking lol.
but i don't have enough guts to do so.. so the conversation ended earlier than i was hoping. AND that might be creepy too. HAHA.

i peeped a bit when the men besides me filled up their arrival cards to indonesia. the older man was from netherlands and the younger man was indeed british.
the younger man works as a teacher :O wow i'm impressed. no wonder he looks so patient and all haha. he seems like a.. good-natured man. he chuckled when his empty plastic cup snapped because he put it in the seat pocket in front of him. and he laughed slightly when the overhead voice said "...to the residents, welcome home" when we arrived in Jakarta. i saw his name too (i saw the older man' name too, but the name was rather peculiar to me to remember.. dutch name? looks hard to pronounce, thus hard to remember. lol)
we were given a light snack (kaya bun) and water, and when this younger man finished them, he put through the empty plastic (previously for the bread) in the glass and put them in the pocket in front of his seat. the glass snapped into two as it broke and he chuckled. i couldn't help but laugh along.

the young man looked through the aircraft window often.
i always like to look through the aircraft window. thus i just tried to look through it too as we approached indonesia, and we could see some islands on the ocean below us.
while i dwelt with my mind in silence, the older man suddenly said (or asked a rhetorical question), 'it's beautiful, isn't it?'. and my heart swelled with pride as i smiled and the two men smiled too.

and when the aircraft nearly landed, i cringed and closed my eyes because my stomach always feels funny when the airplane i'm in is landing. usually the landing trip is not smooth also, from the air to the land by wheels, sometimes it bounces back to the air a bit. argh my stomach feels like milkshake.
the older man saw my expression and he laughed.
he then asked 'are you nervous?'
embarrassed, i answered 'no.. it's just that usually when landing, the plane will...' (then i have difficulty expressing with words and my hands start to take over lol)
the man laughed and said 'i know, i know..' the younger man looked at me too D: embarrassing.
and then we landed and indeed the unpleasant feeling came.
after a while *the plane still moved at fairly high speed on land*, the younger man said 'it's okay..' then the older man chuckled. haha good feeling is just infectious sometimes, no?

then the plane stopped and passengers began to move about taking down their belongings from the upper cabinet.
and i remembered, oh no, my bag is not above me. oh shucks it's gonna be difficult taking it down D:
i waited until the older man went out and tried to creep behind to reach for my bag.
the young man looked at me and asked 'do you want me to grab it for you?'
yes, please! i thought. but 'no, that's okay' i said D:
and i tried to reach it with my fingertips.
i heard again from my back, 'are you sure?'
i turned around and smiled uncertainly '..i think.. haha'
he then chuckled and left while i finally succeeded in grabbing that bag.

up until immigration, i saw him in front of me. but then i don't know where the non-indonesians go for immigration check in the airport, so i lost sight of him. it felt disappointing at first, like i just lost a friend.
haha what an interesting trip.
indeed, this short trip back to indonesia has made my day (:

my mouth can't stay still

2011-12-19T10:29:00.003+08:00

as my ex-roommate said, "I never see you (read: me) not munching something!"
anddd, it's true.
i think it kinda grows as a habit since I was young, no?
there will usually be at least one chocolate bar in the freezer.
kitchen's cupboard will usually be filled with various snacks.
as soon as I finished my meal (breakfast, lunch, or dinner), I will constantly open and close the fridge and the kitchen's cupboard, searching for something to snack on.
at night, my father sometimes will take me to go out and buy something to eat, or my mother will offer to make me something (milk, or noodles, or soup...) occasionally.
hence, when I went to Singapore, I need to stock and replenish my own 'snack bar'.
and thus, I can be seen to constantly munch something...
haha, my mouth cannot stay still!

swimming nostalgia

2011-12-15T00:26:00.003+08:00

"You won some swimming competitions, right?"
"Of course, the swimming champion!"

I met my swimming coaches just now. Wow, time flies, doesn't it? I can't even remember their faces clearly, though I swam nearly everyday when I was a child. Haha, and yes, even though I snatched some swimming medals and trophies long time ago (my glory days in swimming lol!), they still remember me as that kid. Funny, no? Brings back some memories x) Lol, that time when I was asked to catch up with the older kids who have swum halfway, and to outswim them. Haha, and I couldn't even fit in any pair of flippers because I was too small :P

touching those black and white keys again

2011-12-14T15:28:00.002+08:00

Jingle Bells in slow swing / Big Band and ragtime style.
Maple Leaf Rag. Tempo di marcia! (I think I still remember those Italian music phrases~).
And, for the reaaally classical one.. The Maiden's Prayer, andante.
Ohh, I'm happy, this is good. (:

Published drafts (3)- Twist and Turn

2011-12-14T15:25:00.003+08:00

So, starting with my story. Last year, new school, new boarding school, new environment. Everything felt so great, with new adventures to unravel. And there was this guy. Long story short, I think you know the story. Then, I got back my first exam results. Since that time, my world begun to flip over. I was deeply worried not to be able to continue my studies, not to live up to the expectation, and to disappoint my family. And I begin to question my priorities.

He, indeed, was one of the most important people to keep me back in place. However, I am a person who is not great at multi-tasking. I need to focus on one thing to really concentrate. Though difficult, I set my feelings aside, and I made my study to be the utmost priority. His marks were (and are) great, so good for him if he can balance everything. No, I don't say that this is the absolute way to do it, but this is the way to do it for me. Good if you can do well in your studies and keep your relationship well, but I... I think I wasn't ready. I didn't know the academic standards of JC life and all.

My promo results came out, and though it had improved, it wasn't that good either. Deep inside I was confident that my scholarship's safe, but I had my fears too. I was scared that I couldn't continue my education here. I was afraid to be a burden to my family. I was scared that I would be that kid whose scholarship got cut. I was scared I couldn't meet all my friends I have found in Singapore. Those thoughts were pressurizing enough, and depressing enough, but one of my biggest fears was that.. I was afraid I couldn't meet him again. Surely, if my scholarship was cut, not only was I an embarrassment to my family, school, and myself, but I couldn't meet him anymore.

So when my scholarship's safe, I was elated. He was the first person that I told about this. This made me want to work even harder. He was one of the reasons I felt comfortable here. He was one of the reasons I wanted to work harder, to do better. Often, he encouraged me and supported me. Knowing that I have someone supporting me this close in person was very meaningful to me... I didn't know what lies ahead in front of me, and I always say, "Let's just see what happens." And indeed, what happened next was quite staggering. ..(continued)

"When your heart changes, or feels like it should be somewhere else then you just go for it"
~Cameron Mitchell

home

2011-12-14T15:18:00.002+08:00

haven't posted since i reached home, have i?
my old trusty fan.
my dusty piano and violin (and the guitar with its broken string).
fridge stacked with chocolates.
red rice.
no cold drinking water (add ice if you want).
my room with its curtain-less window.
weighing balance that subtracts 3 kg from your actual weight.

haha. yes, i'm home (:

2011-12-10T11:18:00.001+08:00

To hurt is as human as to breathe.
~Professor Dumbledore's commentary, The Tales of Beedle the Bard.

Published drafts (2)- Beautiful

2011-12-06T00:01:00.005+08:00

I believe I am beautiful, no matter what people say.
Although I feel good about my appearance, people sometimes will still not compliment me.
For some people, though they just wear normal clothes, they can still get compliments from people about how good they look.
However, like the song, words can't bring me down.
I am quite sensitive about this issue, because I have been not that confident for most of my life.
From my upbringing, my friends, I do not feel good about my physique for a very long time.
I was jealous, and envious about it. I still am, sometimes, I have to admit.
I am human too, I have my low points when I feel nothing's right etc.
But at least I have major attitude difference now.
I accept who I am, what I look like, and want to make the most of it.
I will not compromise myself just to fish for compliments.
I sometimes even think that I look better than some of the people that appear on television (celebrities I mean...).
If people can't see what I see, then it will be their loss (haha xD).
It is still a major sensitive issue for me, and I have a major setback about it this year.
I am trying, I am learning.
Don't you bring me down today.

05/12/2011

2011-12-05T23:59:00.003+08:00

Graduation Night.
The food was really nice (:
And I am not totally full until I wanna throw up, it's kinda the right level of 'full'ness haha x)
Finally, after 4 years in Singapore, this is the end of my 'school' life.
Another challenges to come, I have said to myself many times, life will only get tougher.
I can only thank for the experiences I have had, but for now, I can't wait to go home.
Not because there will be no problem at home.
There may in fact be more problems at home, with my parents (especially my mother) fussing over uni stuff.
But because I want to go off. I want to escape, I NEED to go.

published drafts (1)

2011-12-05T23:57:00.001+08:00

First off, let me begin with saying that I am an extremely introverted person. Yeah, you see me with that loud, raucous laugh, making pranks and jokes everywhere, but that's just because I have already felt comfortable with the environment. This is not about giving excuses, mind you. I am just stating the fact. And disclaimer, I don't even intend to hurt anyone, but if I do, I am sorry beforehand. Well, I have been holding this back for a long time now.

By the way, do you know the feeling when you want to post something, then someone approaches me and says the similar (or even exact) thing he/she has read in another blog. And then I held back my intention to post it, just because I feel I am being un-original. However, why should I feel that way? This is my blog, right?

2011-12-02T21:24:00.002+08:00

Klaine is no less than a perfect power couple, oh my gosh. Kurt and Blaine.

hello again, stranger

2011-11-28T20:32:00.005+08:00

soon, soon.
tomorrow, the last hurdle. and then i'll immediately go to get my leg movement in order again, how great is it?

btw, i think that being a child at heart, or keeping a part of a child in your heart is great.
that child who likes to ask questions.
that child who likes to imagine things.
that innocent child who is happy to see a brand new day.
it boosts your creativity, curiosity and positivity.
and, it kinda helps to keep your sanity intact when everything fails you.

you, stranger.

i have a lot of drafts in this blog just because i need to write. i can't go away from writing.
maybe i'll post some of those afterwards.
disclaimer, disclaimer.
i don't think you even know who you are, and what i am talking about (no, you don't have to visit my blog to be addressed, i like to address random people who don't even know the existence of this blog)
good, then. (:

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone

not the full song, but still. :D

some quotes from My Sister's Keeper

2011-11-27T19:06:00.002+08:00

“You don't love someone because they're perfect, you love them in spite of the fact that they're not."

“Do you know how sometimes - when you are riding your bike and you start skidding across sand, or when you miss a step and start tumbling down the stairs - you have those long, long seconds to know that you are going to be hurt, and badly?”

“Lately, I have been having nightmares, where I'm cut into so many pieces that there isn't enough of me to be put back together.”

“And the very act of living is a tide; at first it seems to make no difference at all, and then one day you look down and see how much pain has eroded”

~Jodi Picoult (My Sister's Keeper)

major cuteness on a major day

2011-11-08T09:29:00.004+08:00

(via jackwhitestummy)

oh my gosh look at that :3
that furry fluffy round white rabbits awwww.
oh my imagine that row of rabbits like the first gif aaaaaaaaa it's so fluffy I'm gonna die! (quoting from Agnes, Despicable Me).
they kinda look like little slippers, no? can't stop looking at this it's so cute *__*

random post about Adele

2011-11-04T09:53:00.004+08:00

Adele has an amazing, amazing voice. I first heard her... around 2 years ago? From the song "Chasing Pavements". Many of my friends didn't know her then, and they often made fun of the title of the song. Haha xD She is a fantastic singer, and her voice is so... effortless, full of emotion, and at times it may sound haunting and dark. And she is beautiful (:

celebrity's feet and church outfits

2011-10-30T20:45:00.007+08:00

I have celebrity's feet. Not a good thing D: bunions, if you don't know what that term is, errr... search it on google or sth. Photos of the celebrities' feet with bunions are usually described as 'gross'. Yeah, usually they are 'formed' after too much cramming the feet into high heels or narrow shoes. Slave for fashion, people said. Man, how disheartening to see what people say about them and just to clarify, they are a torture, not just unsightly deformities.

So, am I also a 'slave for fashion'? The one who is ready to sacrifice just for the sake of fashion? Heck, no. I am 19 and.. the first time I wore heels was, 3 years ago maybe? I wore heels for one day 3 years ago and the next time I wore heels again was..... last year. Haha. And my heels were not even the towering, pointy heels that could be used as weapons of murder if people want it to, no.

So why? Why I have bunions too? They aren't as bad (yet), but they can grow to be worse. They have been a pain too, that's why I can't be in shoes for too long, sigh (and I also haven't found flip-flops/casual shoes that are comfortable for me, double sigh). They are hereditary, in my case. My mother has them, and my grandmother has them (one of my aunts have them too, from my grandmother's side).

As a kid, I always assume that my feet were like everyone's else. Then, I grew up, and my mother started fussing about it. I think she also just realized it. For a long time I fought back, saying that I had it since long time ago, why are you fussing about it now? They're normal, like everyone else's! But then I started noticing my father's, my brother's, my friends' feet. No, they're not like mine. And I started crying, they're just one of the long lists of 'flaws' that I have physically.

My aunt said that surgery can solve it. :/ Surgery can also solve my knee problem. Scary, no? That my body can function normally only through surgery? Sometimes you can catch me pulling my toes apart, desperately trying to 'heal' the deformities. Right now, I try some methods (non-surgical methods) to heal them, completely or slightly, or at least stop them from growing worse. Haha, my all-time wish would include finding the right, comfortable pair of shoes for me without attracting any unwanted attention.

When I was a kid, I used to wear a special pair of shoes to mend my bent legs (kaki bengkong, or bengkok, my parents would say in bahasa). The shoes were.. kinda like Doc Martens, no? Haha xD they were black, full of laces, and it was embarrassing to wear different kind of shoes from everyone else's, with questioning looks following me everywhere I go. Amusingly, my friend whose name is Amanda too, needed to wear the same shoes.

So now my legs aren't bent anymore. Finding shoes is still a massive challenge for me though. I have bunions so I can't wear heels that often, but I have flat feet so I can't wear flats often. xD my life is amusing. Then, say, I like a pair of shoes, I try them on, and it feels okay. But fitting for around 5 minutes in the shop is different with wearing it for.. hours. The shoes are bound to scratch my feet eventually (especially on the bunions), oh joy.

Even now I don't know what shoes to wear if I want to go out. If I wear skirts, I can't wear my school shoes, so at least I wear my flats, but none is comfortable for walking. I disguise my feet with band-aids but they can't really conceal the pain. It's kinda tiring to wear flip-flops after a while (because they're flat...). The most comfortable pair of shoes I have now is my school shoes, because I put insoles in them which cater to my flat feet, bunions, and weak knees, but wearing closed shoes for so long can be exhausting too. If I can choose, I want to walk bare foot anywhere I go. That's why I like to wear no shoes at home, in hostel (even sometimes when I run around hostel I'll run with bare feet), and I like to take off my shoes, for example when we watch movies, or even at church (if I have to, when I feel the shoes becoming unbearable). Haha, so that's my story of my celebrity's feet x).

Speaking of church....... I'm kinda skeptical of what some people wear to church. Honestly, one of my culture shocks coming to Singapore is that people wearing clothes to church like they're thrown together at the last minute. I didn't say you can't wear casual clothes (though not too casual..). I didn't say that you should wear fancy clothes like you want to go to formal party or something, but at least... decent? Neat? Like, ironed clothes? I am always said that going to church is like meeting God. Don't wear clothes that... you wear to sleep, for example. Exaggerated? Is it? (Btw, I have seen clothes that are worn to sleep appear in church.)

If your clothes are better when you go out with your friends than when you go to church, what does it say? If, let's say, you're a musician. If you dress decently for concerts/ performances to give the best experience for the audience, why should you treat God, who watches you every second, less than your audience? If you're meeting an important person, maybe a president, or a governor, you will probably be panicking and fussing with your attire and your appearance to give out a good impression. Then why are you wearing sloppy clothes to meet God, the King of all kings? Crumpled shirt, shorts, flip-flops... I'm quite speechless about it, really. I mean, if you can dress decently in your daily lives, why can't you dress tidily for church? Not that I champion physical appearance more than anything else. If that's the best you can give, and your heart is really directed to God, then I have no problem. I don't fancy people wearing outlandish clothes but they do not really want to meet the Lord in church either.

Is it just me who feel this way? :/

X Factor USA!

2011-10-28T14:08:00.004+08:00

My top 5 now:
1. Drew
2. Josh Krajcik
3. Marcus Canty
4. StereoHogzz
5. Stacy Francis

Props to Paula Abdul! I thought she was doomed with getting the groups category, but she really really did a great job! Oh my gosh Stereohogzz was soo, sooo gooodddd. They're modern, current, and have awesome choreography, Paula was really great with all the groups. Lakoda Rayne was also good! I still love Chris Rene, but the last performance was a bit underwhelming :/ Melanie Amaro killed it! I think after she finished singing, no eye was left dry. Leroy Bell was still, one of my favourites, his sandpaper-y voice was divine.. He opened his mouth to sing and I was melting :P Yes, I know he's 60...

temptation

2011-10-27T23:29:00.004+08:00

she said she's really tempted, but she restrained from doing it, at least she's still trying to restrain it.
sigh, how much tempted i was (and am), it will be just futile.
the end of the road is clearly visible from here, so why pursue a broken heart?
'I don't want to see that person. I kinda want, but I don't want...'.
not to get into temptation, not to expose yourself to temptation.
i share the same feeling, but it's a whole another story in my case. even if i did expose myself to it, and i succumbed to it, nothing will come out of it.
because the candle's already burnt to the end, no life remains.
sweet, no? with bitter aftertaste.

and tomorrow? no, i'm not really looking towards it. happiness has long lost in the way, scrambled in the twisted road.
hearing and seeing, double torture, double stab.

quotes~ and random stories (:

2011-10-23T18:20:00.010+08:00

"..let's say, if a person lifts up a knife and directs it to someone without any intention to kill, he or she, oohhh I can totally imagine a 'she' doing this! ..Anyway, he or she just tries to attract some attention to himself or herself."

..whaat. haha, one of my favourite bits though.

"If you stay true to who you are, you'll eventually (I promise) stumble across the right path."
~Whitney Port

I hope so. I really hope so.

Btw, my mother sent me a dress, but it's up to me whether I will eventually wear it or not. First time I pulled it out of the box, some beads (from the embellishment on the dress) fell off. Argh, shucks, I thought. I then have to sew them back. First I just sewed them randomly, because I thought the pattern was random, but even though the general pattern was random, there is actually a minor 'pattern' there (after I looked at them carefully). Whoops, nevermind haha. Hmm, I'm a bit on the fence about it, it doesn't fit perfectly, and hmmm... :/ but at least it looks better when I wear it haha I'm fortunate enough to make some clothes look better when being worn :P

OH, see, I knew it! Alex Watson, Emma Watson's brother (whose picture I posted earlier together with Emma), does part-time modelling. I knew it, haha, he's just gorgeous, like her sister (: nooo he's younger than me D: (he was born in 1993 :/) hahaha oh well!

At least I believe so

2011-10-18T23:03:00.003+08:00

I'm disabling my ********** account.
Not that I don't love it anymore, not that I am bored of it.
But because I know my priorities, and, most importantly, I know my limitations.
I know I need to focus and this is just another step to minimize distractions.
Sometimes you just have to let go of something that you love.
If God approves, then it will happen.
There is time for everything.

quote of the day

2011-10-16T20:47:00.004+08:00

"... it's not called breaking 'rules'.
it is more like going with your guts.
if the results are good, you will tell them anyway.
and that doesn't mean you can be totally free from them.
you're just.. trying to expand your horizon.
if not, you have the right to tell or not to tell them.
there's no pressure of failing and having them say 'I told you so' over and over again.
actually, there have never been any rules.
just guidelines, and you know them.
just do it, if you are comfortable with it, why should you worry?
if you didn't do any wrong, why should you be afraid of what people think?
who knows you can prove them wrong?
they are not there to stop you, you know. you are stopping yourself."

I met an old friend yesterday (: it has been so, so long although we're living on this same little island for about a year now haha. It was refreshing, and it felt like reviving a part of my dying self. Whoa, and I witnessed another phenomenon of dedicated fans that day. I guess fans of anything just shared similar characteristics, don't they? Haha, the things that they are willing to go through because what they fancy has touched them in one way or another. Anyway, we just went around Junction 8, the place that is not a stranger to me. However, it felt different. Though I know the way around, but it just felt.. new in a way. A strange feeling, hmm. Going through the same place with another person brings a new feeling to that place, no? I don't know haha.

:O

2011-10-15T21:39:00.004+08:00

:O look it here... studs and spikes are the new sequins, no?

btw, i'm really into sheer top right now.. especially sleeveless ones.. 've been looking for one that I like and suitable with my pocket condition haha yeah, not that easy :P

Nobody Knows It But Me

2011-10-13T21:14:00.001+08:00

finding comfort

2011-10-12T18:48:00.002+08:00

freshly washed sweater is one of the most wonderful things in the world.
other than that, freshly washed soft toys.
don't know why, soft toys seem to 'fluff up' after being washed. soft and fragrant. wonderful.

the empty silence

2011-10-12T18:26:00.006+08:00

at the corner.
with tears as my only source of warmth.
alone. no knocks on the door, no calls, no messages.
the notes around me which try to find a way to enter my mind.
my handwritten notes with inks smeared on my hand *and on the notes*.
ah, here i am.
silent, yes. not counting melody of the rain playing on the background.
rain sounds cheerful, no?
laughter outside. smiles around.
can't wriggle my way out.
up is the way to go with high walls surrounding me.

Coldplay- Fix You

2011-10-07T20:41:00.002+08:00

i'm sorry. i need this :'( this song.

Heterochromia iridium

2011-10-07T20:20:00.004+08:00

I want to meet this kind of animal in real life. Different eye colours. They are gorgeous, aren't they? I heard that humans also can have them, but very rare. David Bowie is one of them (are they natural? like, was he born with that? :O)

Alex Watson

2011-10-07T20:13:00.004+08:00

is it just me or he is also just simply gorgeous? like Emma?
Alex, Emma's brother. clearly, good genes run in the family :O
I mean, even without much make-up or fancy clothes, Emma still looks great.
I think the brother also has the same aura~ man, must stop looking at this photo :P

just ignore this, just another ramblings

2011-10-05T21:07:00.002+08:00

it always ends with a cry.
starts with a harmless conversation, stir into the danger zone.
voices are raised, anxiety overflows.
and tears will start to flow, impeding the conversation to run smoothly.
it will thus end with no definite decision.

i have gotten back my prelims result. i couldn't ask for better mark for gp (i didn't expect it), and although slowly, but my physics improves steadily. geography stagnates in its current position, unwilling to be bugged. i really need to improve by leaps and bounds for my chemistry, but it always has been my weakest subject (though i have improved quite drastically once). but maths is the one subject that makes me really, really disappointed. you see, i have never gotten a bad mark for my maths in my life, ever (if you exclude maths RA which is not included in the main GPA). just in these past two years. yeah, i feel that i'm losing grip of what were familiar to me, not only maths.

i have not lost my faith. but i'm not in my most stable state. not since months ago. i need to focus though. maybe, just maybe, i'll post something about this later. actually, i really, really want to go out from singapore, bad. but chances are slim. obstacles are present in many ways.

a little bit about Dumbledore

2011-09-27T22:54:00.004+08:00

"I am not worried, Harry," said Dumbledore, his voice a little stronger despite the freezing water. "I am with you."

The moment when Dumbledore and Harry feel like comrades and.. equals, almost. Dumbledore is kinda a lonely character, don't you think? His brilliance has kinda.. isolated him from society. Yes he was ingenious, wise, trusting and has quite a sense of humour as well, but does he have a partner, an equal, a person he can depend on? No, and it made him quite a.. sad figure (McGonagall came as a close second, but not as an equal). Then we learned that he has quite a dark background as well :'( Ah, how I cried when Dumbledore died, when I read it, when I watched it D':

some quotes from JK Rowling (:

2011-09-27T20:13:00.007+08:00

MV: Was Snape always intended to be a hero?

JKR: [sharp intake of breath] Is he a hero? You see I don't see him really as a hero.

MV: Really?

JKR: Yeh. He's spiteful. He's a bully. All these things are still true of Snape, even at the end of this book. But, was he brave? Yes, immensely.

Greta, 8: If Snape didn't love Lily, would he have still tried to protect Harry?

JKR: No. He Definitely wouldn't have done. He wouldn't have been remotely interested in what happened to this boy.

JKR stands for JK Rowling. What she has said is kinda summed up my opinion about Snape. But he is indeed a very interesting character and I do respect him of what he has gone through :( Oh and she said Snape was based on her chemistry teacher hahahaha xD I can totally empathize with her feelings about chemistry :P though my teacher is never as despicable..

Her exact quote, "My chemistry was very bad, that's why Snape teaches potions, my least favourite subject so that's why the potions came.. in the dungeon, with the bad teacher.."

Ellie: Why didn't Harry use the time-turner to save his parents?

JKR: Oh, that's a very good question, that. But it would take us into "Terminator" territory, if you've ever seen the "Terminator" films... but never mind. Well, the time-turner was a very difficult invention for me, because it created as many problems as it solved. And anyone who's read Order of the Phoenix may have noticed that during the climactic scene in which they chase through the Ministry of Magic, they shatter all the time-turners, thereby preventing them using those in the future.

And yeah! There you go! 'anyone who's read' it is.

And this, one more, I promise, quoting from her again, "I'm trying to clearly distinguish between Tom Felton, who is a good looking young boy, and Draco, who, whatever he looks like, is not a nice man." EXACTLY what I always feel about Draco and Tom. People ALWAYS mix up Draco Malfoy and Tom Felton together. Draco Malfoy, the character, is not lovable AT ALL, he is selfish, arrogant and I don't think he is good-looking, not with the description in the book anyway. Oh. And he's a coward. Tom Felton instead is a dashing young man with a kind heart who is associated with Draco ONLY because he played him in the films. "The trouble is, of course, that girls fancy Tom Felton, but Draco is NOT Tom Felton!" They are different! *whoops two quotes instead of one*

idea

2011-09-24T23:44:00.003+08:00

I have this idea to do something.. I hope I am not that lazy to actually do it though.
Hmm...

By the way, the google doodle today is extremely cute, no? I can pretend to be a puppeteer with those! Haha amazing! Oh and I love that the red guy can eat the green guy haha do you know what I am talking about :D And that the bespectacled guy can flip his pair of glasses *and his eyes* teehee.

encounter

2011-09-23T19:25:00.006+08:00

When I was walking to church last week, there was this girl who approached me to ask directions.
She asked whether I know the place in Bras Basah that sells musical instruments. Unfortunately, I don't. She has an accent, not a Singapore accent, but I don't know what accent it is. She is shorter, skinnier, and younger than me and she has quite a memorable face, quite a charming face, though you may not classify it as 'pretty' or 'beautiful'. I don't know why but somehow this just made my day that particular day.

Sometimes the simplest, the most random thing can just change your feeling completely, no?

Man, btw, I just couldn't believe I am so forgetful that I forgot something that important. I am truly, really sorry D:

And btw again, Kendall Jenner is just gorgeous, isn't she?

choice

2011-09-22T21:29:00.002+08:00

"It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities."
~Albus Dumbledore

The concept of choice is an integral part in Harry Potter. Really, almost every plot has this idea of decision being related to the way we are.

really, huh?

2011-09-22T20:37:00.003+08:00

"You think you know me? Think again, really. I even surprised myself most of the time, and you think you know me? You know when I wait in line to get food, do you think you know what I will order? Because most of the time this is the case. I get in line, I read the available choices, and I kinda weigh in some of the choices. When it is nearly my turn, I kinda make my mind up. But when the person asks, 'What is your order?', just on that split second, I usually switch my order to something else. Not the one that I have thought about when I am waiting in line. That happens often, not only for trivial case of getting food, I even act like that in making some crucial decisions. And wow, you said you know me, how incredible of you, really, I am impressed."

yeah, Dumbledore's words

2011-09-22T20:17:00.006+08:00

"Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!"
~Professor Dumbledore's first speech in Harry's first year.

And Harry's response:"Is he — a bit mad?" he asked Percy uncertainly.

In Noctem

2011-09-22T10:57:00.000+08:00

"Ferte in noctem animam meam
Illustrent stellae viam meam
Aspectu illo glorior
Dum capit nox diem

Cantate vitae canticum
Sine dolore actae
Dicite eis quos amabam
Me nunquam obliturum"

Amy Winehouse

2011-09-21T13:15:00.003+08:00

I guess this might be kinda... late? I just wanna say that I am truly saddened by Amy Winehouse's death. I think she was a great artist! You don't find that emotional honesty coming through from singers that often nowadays.. She was one of the most talented, raw performers I know, and some of her songs are among my all-time favourites. And really, don't you think her look was just iconic? Her beehive updo and the cat-eye makeup were so.. her. Just in the mood of some Amy Winehouse today.

You Know I'm No Good

Valerie

Oh gosh, Valerie is really really on the top of my list right now, I love this song.

Love Is A Losing Game

I love Back to Black too and ...oh so many more but my internet is lagging now so I will stop :/

underrated much

2011-09-19T23:18:00.002+08:00

rambleramble

2011-09-17T21:40:00.006+08:00

sigh, sigh, sigh.
ugh i just realized another mistakes in my chem paper, and i need to score in monday's paper even more, only to pass.
i've been doubting myself every so often, and i begin to lose it.
my parents called today.
i think they are kinda worried seeing my depressing messages this past week, thus they decided to call.
it was short, i even hadn't talked to my mom because she could not hear me *bad signal reception!*, but it was enough to make me break down.
i could not talk much anyway, i am often more expressive with writing than talking, and writing feels much more.. honest to me sometimes, it is truly a reflection of my feeling.
yeah, i'm actually not much of an extrovert *if it is not obvious already*, who opens up only after a while, who needs some me-time, who prefers to keep some things only to herself *sometimes* and who opens up only to certain people.
another day for streaming tears in the corner alone.

I'm getting myself a pep talk

2011-09-15T20:48:00.003+08:00

I am really, really stressed out.
I am frustrated by the number of questions I could not do in the papers this week, and when I tried to do them again, I could solve them.
I am frustrated by the number of questions I could not do today in preparation for maths tomorrow.
I am frustrated by the humongous materials I have to gulp for physical geog exam tomorrow.
I can feel my body temperature is rising and my head feels hot.
I even cried today, I broke down for a while, I have to admit.
However, I have to pick myself up.
I'm telling myself: You haven't lost this battle. Yet.
I have to get myself a pep talk... because no one will do it.
Everyone else is busy, and they may feel the same way as I feel.
My parents can only message me, as they are currently in Australia now and they cannot really call me.
If you say that crying will not solve anything, I don't see it as a way to solve things anyway.
I never expect that tears can wash my problems away, rather, it is.. more of my body's response.
So come on, come on, I'm trying to pick myself up.

shucks.

2011-09-13T16:10:00.002+08:00

argh chem. demoralized.
arghhh. and i just realized i made silly mistakes.
and i realized i could do some parts easily.
afterwards.
always, always.
should score much better in paper 1 and 2, then.
arggh i have thrown the paper with the most weightage away.

I want some more!

2011-09-06T12:44:00.002+08:00

Georgia on My Mind:

I've Gotta Be Me:

"daring to try, to do it or die"~

some music..

2011-08-25T20:41:00.003+08:00

I know this song, and I just remembered about it again when my friend said a contestant in a reality show was asked to sing Mack the Knife.

I just knew Frank Sinatra sang this song too :O his version is slower than the version I know all this while, but I enjoy it too (:

Finally... Beyond the Sea by Bobby Darin. I heard this song for the first time when I got the collection of Disney songs (Robbie Williams sang the one in the Disney collection). And never again, I'll go sailing~ I don't know why I always like the sound of the instruments in this song! I kinda like the low voice too, I think it really suits the song I don't know what I am talking about.

my mom. my dearest mom.

2011-08-22T16:48:00.006+08:00

*Indonesian*

Mom: Nda, mamanya **** mau ke sgp mau titip apa ga?
Me: Biskuit marie!!! Biskuit marie aja ma~

Beberapa hari kemudian...
Mom: Nda, kamu roti marie maunya berapa ya?
Me: Terserah ma, buat nyemil doang kok. 1 juga gapapa..

...

Mom: Uda kubelikan 4, enak ga ya sama mamanya ****?

....... rofl x) omgosh..

Me: whoa :O banyak banget ma! hahaha kok rada ga enak ya, dikirain ntar aku segitu deprivednya lg ma di sini. Terserah mama deh mau dititipin berapa :P

lol, my mom. my dearest mom. thanks haha.

another random post..

2011-08-21T22:05:00.007+08:00

I find Agyness Deyn to be gorgeous. And I think it is mostly because she has that signature short locks. Yeahh. I love that she can be that edgy and 'badass' girl, but beautiful at the same time. And Brittani Kline, the winner of America's Next Top Model cycle 16? Since the first time I saw her, I like her. And then she got that chic short bob makeover for her hair, voila, she just really popped more.

I think I always like that extra 'oomph'. For example, I like chocolate chip cookies, but they don't excite me. However, I will go head over heels for double chocolate chip cookies.

I currently love P!nk very much. Many of her songs speak up to me. Maybe I'm gonna do some more posts about her songs. Hmmmm.

Some people may find this surprising, but I like running. And jumping. And swimming. I do appear inactive and all. Because I sometime just don't wanna bear with the pain the legs will give me soon after. And sometimes I just feel like passing out without warning. Hahaha. Oh man swimming! I haven't been swimming for SO LONG. I bet I can beat most of my friends in swimming *lol confident, though I really haven't been swimming for years :P*.

another thing. i like that 'you' can refer to singular or plural noun(s). so. i HATE you. i feel so bad now. just let it out for once, i won't look at this for a while now cos i may feel guilty and take it down. bye.

Pink- Stupid Girls

2011-08-21T21:48:00.005+08:00

I like Pink. I love many of her songs, and I love how she is outspoken about some issues. I can definitely relate to some of those. Heh.

Pink said that she just talked about some habits that she find 'nauseating' in this song. Enjoy this song, and the clip. Stupid Girls. You know 'feminist' has quite a bad vibe about it. Even calling people 'feminist' is not really considered as compliment. Oh man, I just can't stand some things.

An excerpt of the lyrics:
The disease is growing, it's epidemic
I'm scared that there ain't a cure
The world believes it and I'm going crazy
I cannot take any more!
I'm so glad that I'll never fit in
That will never be me
Outcasts and girls with ambition
That's what I wanna see

potterhead

2011-08-21T10:03:00.009+08:00

hmm. i'm a big potterhead, if people don't already know.
i don't like reading fan fictions etc, because i can defy most of their stories with my harry potter logic haha.
i used to remember many details from the books. i haven't 'revised' them lately though hha.

and, i don't think snape is a noble character. well yeah, he was an interesting and memorable character. but no, i don't think he is a 'hero' at heart.
i admire his deep, deep love for lily. it breaks my heart everytime reading snape's story.
but if he did not love lily, and if lily didn't die, he would have never, ever, protect harry.
only because of that love that he gained several other traits, like courage, determination, and the will to sacrifice. and by doing that, he looks 'noble'.
snape was admirable in many ways, but yeah, he was sorted in slytherin house not by random chance. he was.. a complex character.

haha isn't it just great if you can just use time turner in everything. then all the conflicts and fights would have never been happened.
lol you know that j.k rowling will never forget things like that.
well don't you realize that even in magical world, there are bounds and limits? isn't that just logical?
you can't always prevent evil from happening. it's not all cheery and bright in magical world.
the all-powerful time turner that was given to hermione with great responsibility and care. she was even told to keep this possession a secret from her best friends.
had she not taken many subjects *that often clashed with one another* she would have never touched that time-turner. in other words, there's no other choice but to give hermione that time-turner. nah, not being defensive. just trying to explain in more words~

certainly, harry potter is not a perfect book, it may have flaws too. but in most cases, the storyline is meticulous and pretty seamless. ahhhh i love you and i miss you, my soulmate, the only one i know who loves harry potter as much as me *you know who you are*.

once, my friend showed me a link to this harry potter illustration-anime style. i'm so excited about it although i have seen it before because finally someone notices it too and i can discuss about it! but no, that's not the case. i guess i knew. i knew that no one will care whether that old man is ollivander or aberforth. and yes that turned out to be the case! no one replied to my question, oh yes one person replied but when i said my opinion, no one bothered to reply back. disappointed, kinda. i can never start a fun conversation about harry potter long enough other than with my soul sister. when i want to discuss a harry potter movie and parts that are not in the book, people will only reply, "really? i thought they were like that in the book?" hmm. not that i'm complaining, i tell you. haha i guess i'm just much of a freak that no one understands here.

2011-08-20T23:26:00.002+08:00

don't you know how painful it is?

random alert

2011-08-19T19:41:00.004+08:00

sometimes i want to approach someone and say 'nice outfit!' and ask where it is from etc.
when there is something that is sold on a cheaper price per item if we buy two of those items, sometimes i just want to ask a random person that seems interested in it to buy together.
haha yeah, but i never have the guts to do so.

well, i like seeing people's outfits. sometimes they can be interesting.
and today, i saw a person wearing this simple, plain dress (mustard coloured) with just a narrow brown belt (with ribbon embellishment on the belt).
it looks very clean-cut and chic.
and then i saw the shoes. black wedges, awesome black wedges.
and then, i saw the face of the person.
oh my gosh.

she was... gorgeous.
oh my gosh, i can't even describe her with words.
her hair was let loose and long, and her eye colours were very unique, they were kind of black, but with a tint of grey, maybe she was wearing eye contacts, i don't know.
haaa luckily i regained my composure and did not open my mouth in awe. jaw-dropping, really.
i hope i didn't make her feel uncomfortable or something for staring at her.
she was one of the most gorgeous girl i have seen in person.

on a very unrelated note, a person said to me 'if you want to try a hard paper for chemistry, try meridian jc's! meridian jc's papers are always quite difficult. for chemistry, at least.'
whoa, surprising? hmm, no wonder...

2011-08-17T23:59:00.002+08:00

happy birthday Indonesia (:

On a side note, Indonesia's national anthem 'Indonesia Raya' and the song 'Kebyar kebyar' keep repeating in my head today haha.

2011-08-12T15:05:00.001+08:00

Swing, swing, my sweet little trapeze swinger..

hahaha.

2011-08-12T08:15:00.002+08:00

Yesterday, I slept early. I was very tired the whole day. Sorry for the rant, just stating what's happening. The day before yesterday I slept past 2am and woke up at 530am, amazingly. I didn't sleep the whole day, until at 930 pm I felt that I couldn't stay up any longer, I slept. I planned to sleep only 20 minutes, as I had rollcall etc at 10pm. In the end, I slept through it. I missed rollcall. I didn't even scan my fingerprint. Wow. This is one of the few times I couldn't wake myself up. I woke up at 11pm, sadly *I even didn't hear my alarm went off and my friends called me, excellent*.

Hello, myself. Good morning. Ready for a new show?

What're you saying? Of course I'm ready. I always am.

2011-08-10T21:27:00.005+08:00

"I can't bear it. I can't bear to put on a mask like I am okay. I want them to go away. I can't bear to see anyone. Of course I can't stand to see them. But everyone else? The same thing. The others treat me like nobody. I am no more a shadowy past, I am now... nothing. No one. Then I realize... Maybe it's me that should go away. I should go away, leaving the others as happy as they are, as their happiness rub me like a thorny rose, gashing my heart. Wounded, I am. Yeah, maybe I can't live here. I should just go... Go away from their lives... Go away from life?"

Hmm..

in life...

2011-08-09T21:05:00.008+08:00

"There are things that we don't want to happen, but have to accept;
things that we don't want to know, but have to learn;
and people that we can't live without, but have to let go."

"Sometimes it's easier to pretend you don't care than to admit that it's killing you."

It is easier, but is it better? Sigh, that's life, I guess.. It is so much more unbearable now. Never mind me. No one knows what I am doing and where I am anyway.

a tribute to 'The Boy Who Lived'

2011-08-07T17:12:00.026+08:00

Harry Potter.The bespectacled, skinny boy turned out to be a 'hero'. A boy who didn't know he's special. What an adventure.

I started reading Harry Potter since it first published in Indonesia. Being a book lover, that first book with that thickness isn't a problem for me. I started reading it, and it has hooked me ever since. I am mesmerized by the world, the smart wordplay *oh man, the amazing phrasing and choice of words!*, the unique invention of names, the amazing sense of humor, the details.. etc. I simply describe it as a book that I can't put down when I started reading. It just makes me want to read more, more and more. Oh, and I succeeded in convincing my friend, who didn't like to read, to read Harry Potter. She has been 'converted' to be a book lover now :D

I couldn't stop talking about it for weeks after I read the first book. My mom didn't read it (and has not read it until now), but she might as well know many details about it as I babbled about it frequently. Haha I remember describing Fred and George, the identical twins that are so similar until their freckles on their faces are identical or platform 9 3/4 to my mom x) My father, my partner-in-crime, read the book, and is a fan too. However he hasn't had the time to read it until the seventh book as it is hard to find a time for him to read books now. He stopped at the middle of the fifth book but he really wants to continue reading. My brother is not a book lover. My father and I are the bookworms. My brother always watches the movie though, and continues to bug me with questions during watching -_-.

Many of my friends groaned and moaned, said that it's too thick. Especially when the fifth book was published, bang! It's a big put-off for many of them. For me, it's exactly the opposite feeling, more Harry Potter facts to devour haha. The story is so.. captivating, to say the least, that I can't help but go with it. I have laughed, frustrated, and cried my heart out reading Harry Potter books. Yeah, it brought me so much joy and tears. As the years went by, I prefer the English version rather than the Indonesian version *and I reread the earlier books in English - books that I have read previously in Indonesian*. It feels more.. authentic, and sometimes I find that the translation is not accurate :/ Well, I know that it is not easy to translate something, and I admired some of the translations, like Mirror of Erised- Cermin Tarsah, it really is a great translation! But still, I like the English version better, maybe some of the things get 'lost in translation' x), and I can probably say that I discover more things in the English version!

I fully realize that the books and the films are two separate entities. Yeah, the movies're not really reflecting the books, but it can't be helped, I guess. My mind's eye about Harry Potter imagines something more detailed, but I enjoy the movies too. I think that the casts of Harry Potter are mostly accurate, well I can't help but being quite picky :P. Haha and this is a trivial info, but Daniel Radcliffe (who played Harry Potter) was my first celebrity crush. "Dan, you didn't get lucky, you were and are the perfect Harry, and will be, forever." Emma Watson said in the London Premiere of the last film of Harry Potter :'). I have a wish to send a letter to him, and maybe other actresses/actors too, and see whether I can get a reply :P All the actors and actresses have grown up and blossomed from adorable little kids to be fine young gentlemen/ladies, 10 years of filming! Can you imagine? They have grown up before my very own eyes. And I am growing up along with them. Aww haha.

I am really a Harry Potter geek *don't know whether I'm boasting by stating this*. Even until now, I can remember most details of the books. Just imagine me a few years back, I really remember small details that many people don't expect to remember haha. I think I haven't turned eleven when I read the first book. So after that, I secretly waited for my acceptance letter to Hogwarts when I turned eleven. I know, I know.. Hahaha. Oh yeah, and I secretly wished I would be chosen as the one to play Cho Chang haha. Again, I know, I know... Haha I just wanted to meet them and be a part of the film, and I guess Cho Chang is the only role that I can play? Except maybe just students in the background haha. Argh and I can't stand scenes when Dan (Harry) kiss anyone either Cho/Ginny :( unimportant details!

And look now, what a Harry Potter universe we have today. The movies are the biggest 'franchise' ever (grrrh, it's not actually a franchise for me, it's one story about a boy throughout his 7 years! and the 19 years later). There is a Harry Potter theme park *I am dyingggg to go there. I really want to go there D:* Harry Potter Wikipedia. Harry Potter merchandise. Maybe there is nothing in this world that hasn't been 'Potterized'. "This boy will be famous, a legend. I wouldn't be surprised if today was known as Harry Potter day in future. There will be books written about Harry, every child in our world will know his name." McGonagall said. And indeed how accurate it is (:

It's a sad thing that the movie has ended. When I finished the last book, it was sad, but I have the movies to look forward to. But now.. Nothing? All this while, my life has revolved around Harry Potter, waiting for another book, or movie.. I even reread the whole series at the end of the year last year just to flood my memories with those nostalgic feelings *oh my how 'disfigured' my Harry Potter books are now haha indication of how often I read those books xD*. Harry Potter is like a very good friend of mine all this while, and of course, saying goodbye will be difficult. Even though I know the end will eventually come (I have known that it will be 7 books and all), but nothing can prepare me for it when it really came.

The last movie made me cry. Oh gosh, I think I cried for half of the movie or something. I can't help it. Reading and knowing the books make me.. emotionally attached with the characters. Ghah, even seeing the Warner Bros logo made my mood rather mellow since the movie started. And man, seeing all those actors in the '19 years later' definitely made my heart swell. Sure, they look rather weird, but the moment when Harry tried to comfort his son about Slytherin house, and all of them say goodbye to their children.. was like seeing my own friends grow up and live well. And yeah.. Even the snippets of seeing bodies of Fred, Tonks and Lupin made me cry, I felt like seeing my own best friends died gosh. It's only shown a short while, and it wasn't shown how they died, but I know how the process was, and I cried like a baby. All the Snape scenes, the twins' moments, Harry's meeting with his beloved, deceased parents and friends aaargh :'( Only people who grew up loving this book understand this, I think.

J.K Rowling, the author who created it all. I admire her deeply, her imagination and her perseverance. Maybe you all know the story before she was famous. She has been in deep poverty, and she has been clinically depressed. Some of her life story and struggles are reflected in the books. Though it seems like a light-hearted children books at first, it actually contains deep messages. J.K Rowling explores the idea of happiness (e.g Dumbledore once said that the happiest man in the world would see himself exactly as he is), courage, love, death (and life, for that matter), sacrifice, choice, the mystery of time, etc. It is obvious that she is not a 'shallow' person. I didn't realize these themes when I was young, but when I read them again, there is actually much to be learned from the books, a deep philosophy woven into the storyline. It somehow.. gives me a different viewpoint, and I hope it made me a better person too *I'm still learning x)* There's no doubt that there are other works and authors that are great, but Harry Potter particularly has a special place in my heart. How can't it be? I have spend most of my life with it!

There are universal themes in this book, and the characters are so.. real. They are flawed, each one of the characters have flaws, and strengths *except for Voldemort, he is just purely evil!*. I think that's one of the reasons why this story is so popular. Because many people can relate to it. Maybe you know a person like Harry, Hermione or Ron, or have a teacher like Snape, or McGonagall, that's why the story fits many people's interests comfortably. In so many ways, the Harry Potter world is just like our world, maybe more 'vibrant'? But in essence it is the same world we're living in. Haha I'm so grateful of having Harry Potter in my life. There's just so much to it than just a fiction children book. Man, who don't love underdogs? We all love that unexpected hero from the seemingly ordinary person.

I am.. really inspired by her, I don't know how to put it into words! Do you know that she has made some illustrations about Harry Potter? And her illustrations are quite good too. I am just amazed at how creative and incredible she is. I am so inspired that I want to be a world-class writer too *only a few people know that I love writing*. Not so much for the fame and money, but I really want to have a chance to include her as my inspiration in my books, and I want to meet her to chat and to ask questions. More than a hope, it's sort of.. a longing :/ Oh, or maybe I can be an illustrator to her works! Haha.

I couldn't make up my mind on what to write at first, but I just tried to give it a go because I felt the urge and need to write something about this. I really cannot say enough about this amazing world she has created. I have made up this entire world of Harry Potter in my head just by reading her writing! Her description is just so detailed and you can imagine how a person or a place looks like, sort of. They were just.. stimulating. Stimulates my imagination. I can go on and on and write loooong post about how much I love it *even now it is quite long already! I didn't realize! Yeah I'm just going with the flow* I.. have grown up with Harry Potter as my company.

Yes, it is the end of the book and the end of the movies, but I believe it is not the end of Harry Potter. "I will only truly have left this school when none here are loyal to me." Dumbledore once said. And I think that the world of Harry Potter will always exist when there are people who stay loyal to it (: I believe that we do possess 'magic' inside of us, as cliched as it may sound, like what is said in Harry Potter series, love is the most powerful magic of all. And quoting the last sentence of the Harry Potter series, "All was well". It has been a wonderful experience and.. The world will continue to live on with me, and with people who support Harry from the beginning until the very end.

Thank you, J.K Rowling. She is.. my childhood, so.. thank you for my childhood. I still hope to meet her, but hopefully someday I can at least send a letter to her haha. And maybe someday I can be a writer too :D

In the spirit of celebrating the 'end', to share some of the quotes from the actors and JK Rowling herself in the London Premiere of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2.
Rupert Grint to JK Rowling:
"What you've done for ginger people! It's just.. I cannot.. I cannot put that into words!"
Emma Watson to JK Rowling:
"Jo, thank you for writing these amazing books.. and.. for being.. (tears up) for such a role model to me in real life.."
Daniel Radcliffe:
"I don't think the end of the story happens tonight... because.. each and every person, not only in this square, but also watching all around the world who will see this film and who will follow this film over the last ten years, will carry this story with them trough the rest of their lives, and it will affect what they do."
JK Rowling:
"You know what, I maybe, I'll just write another one, I maybe (tears up)... That is a joke."
"And, of the actors, I can only say, I could never have dreamt of the talent we have on these films, but there's 7 that in private I refer to as the 'Big Seven', and that's Dan, Rupert, Emma, Matt, Evanna, Bonnie, and Tom. And they.. they cannot know how much I love them, how.. what amazing things they did for my favourite characters. And, I just thank them for lending us their talent and all their hard work."
"No story lives unless someone wants to listen, so thank you, all of you."
"Dan has already said it.. The stories we love best do live in us forever. So whether you come back by page or by the big screen, Hogwarts will always be there to welcome you home."
:')

To end this, I'll share one of my favourite quotes among the many, many of them throughout the series:
“Tell me one last thing,” said Harry. “Is this real? Or has this been happening inside my head?”
“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?”
Definitely, one of the most memorable quotes that is pertinent to this tribute (:

DISTRACTION. PRONTO.

2011-07-30T22:18:00.003+08:00

I am sleepy. I am tired. And I can't sleep, because I have been sleeping much and I need to get a lot of things done. The result? I am cranky and in a really bad mood now.

Shucks, moreover, I need distraction. Not to distract me from my work, of course. Sigh, why I am coping so hard with this. I hate this situation.

'mirage of utopia'

2011-07-30T21:54:00.003+08:00

maybe achieving universal happiness is just a mirage. a false vision, an inaccurate sense of hope because i'm desperate to have it.

"let's just see what happens.."

2011-07-29T15:16:00.006+08:00

I don't know when, how, why, but that becomes my 'favourite' sentence, "let's just see what happens...". I like change, in a way. I like tasting different foods on a menu. I like to try new tastes of ice cream. I like to don different combination of clothes. I want to try different hairstyles. I like to get on different rides in an amusement park, try to absorb as much experience as possible. I am indecisive, because I want to get as much experience I can.

But I have my 'safety blanket'. I know that mint chocolate chip tastes good, and I will order that if I don't feel like choosing. I know that wearing this combination of clothes looks good (at least for me), and I will put on those when I don't feel like experimenting. I know minimum length of fringe that I can have so I won't look weird. Sometimes, I know what I want, and when I put my mind on it, I can be really focused.

And, when you choose something, you 'sacrifice' another thing. Well, let's just make a trivial example. I offer you to choose between an orange or an apple. If you choose the apple, then you 'sacrifice' the opportunity to have an orange. Sometimes the sacrifice doesn't seem detrimental, maybe you don't like orange after all so you're happy with having apple that you like. However, choosing something is not as easy. Sometimes after making a choice, you wonder whether you have made the right decision. Before you decide, you spent many unsettling nights weighing out both options. And you will make a choice with a heavy heart. And you may still spend sleepless nights thinking about the options and all the 'what if's thoughts that appear if you decided to choose the other option.

That's life, I guess. I am trying not to regret anything that I have decided. I stand by my decision and 'see what happens..' And sometimes, I can't bear to see 'what happens'. I don't want to live in a world of 'what if's. Now I sound quite desperate. Yeah, I hope life gets me through.

2011-07-23T20:15:00.005+08:00

“Ah. Well then, you know that Annette had the most marvelous voice... rich, and pure, such a voice, and such range... She could express her soul with that voice, whenever I listened to her I felt my life meant more than mere biology... She could really hear, she understood structure and she could analyze exactly what it was about a piece of music that had to be rendered just so... She was a very emotional person, Annette. She brought that out in other people. After she died I don’t think I ever really felt anything again.”
~Richard DeTamble's when asked about his wife, Annette (The Time-Traveler's Wife)

these won't happen anytime soon

2011-07-22T20:31:00.005+08:00

I want to curl up in a very soft bed and dozed off. I want to doze off and wake up whenever I want. I want to take a walk barefooted, or with a very comfortable pair of shoes. I want to snuggle up comfortably in my bed with my freshly washed stuffed toy. I want to drink fresh milk with fresh-from-the-oven cookies.

Yeah, I wish.

It won't break me

2011-07-21T22:47:00.000+08:00

...........It will just make me stronger.

Well, it is easy to say. It is more difficult to do.

I thought I have handled this. I thought I have firmly set my priorities and stood by it. Yes, I sort of did.. But I could not prevent those thoughts to keep appearing and bugging me.

Sigh, do you know what I often say? 'Let's just see what happens'. And now, I could not bear to see what happens. Or hear. Or know, for that matter. Why should I feel this way?

Argh this is messing with my head.

2011-07-19T17:36:00.000+08:00

i just... can't.

Adele-Someone Like You

2011-07-14T17:34:00.004+08:00

I just LOVE Adele. there's so much.. soul in her voice, so much emotion.. and her voice is a bit haunting too in some songs. this is one of my favourite songs from her (: sometimes just to hear her singing brings tears to my eyes..

2011-07-13T17:48:00.006+08:00

I am alright. or at least I will be.

words that I often repeat to convince myself these days.

in a not-so-great state

2011-07-07T23:38:00.004+08:00

i am trying to keep my stride. my determination. my focus.
but yeah it is difficult.
that is a fact.

it is like... everything is slipping away from me.
the more i try to grab it, the quicker i lose it.
no, i am not telling that i am giving up.
that is never gonna happen.

however, it is getting harder.
very much harder.
i get tired more easily these days
sometimes i feel unwell *in fact, i was unwell when i did the last chem paper, haha yeah it certainly translates to the result~*
sometimes i get headache and feel a bit feverish after feeling exhausted.. but it will go away after a rest..
however, i cannot sleep comfortably and i get up not feeling refreshed.
i don't know whether my physical health affects my mental health or it is the other way round, but i'm not feeling great in either aspects.

and i am really worried these are gonna affect me in my studying process.
help.

wew. what should i do?
what do i need?

again, this time my juniors from my former CCA

2011-07-02T17:05:00.001+08:00

"Ahhh! I haven't met you for so long!!!! You suddenly look so skinny!"

D:

my therapist this morning..

2011-06-21T13:06:00.003+08:00

"You slimmed down a lot, ah! I almost didn't recognize you!"

:/

:')

2011-06-21T10:36:00.007+08:00

"ONE THING THAT I BELIEVE IN IS THAT GOD DOESN'T MAKE MISTAKE. WHEN I START TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF, AND ESPECIALLY WITH WHAT'S INSIDE, THE WORLD WILL FOLLOW."

~MARSHA IMANIARA

i am so touched with this, thank you my friend *huggs* haha kinda surprised seeing a 'tribute' to me :P i love you and you are also a very beautiful person in every aspects, inside and out (:

visit her blog here http://doodleyscratch.blogspot.com/

i know this is just a commercial..

2011-06-19T19:26:00.003+08:00

this was a commercial in Singapore some time ago. yes, i know it is only a commercial. but i like it, and i love this quote: 'In the end, it's these small things that you remember. The little imperfections that make them perfect for you.'
It reminds me of yet another quote:
"Your imperfections are what make you perfect"
~Steven Monaco

I also like the subsequent quote, saying, 'So to my beautiful children, I hope that one day you too find yourselves life partners who are as beautifully imperfect as your father was to me.'

quotes' time!

2011-06-19T19:00:00.008+08:00

"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart."

~Helen Keller

Indeed, I think this quote is beautiful as yeah, it is beauty, it is in the heart, no matter how you look x) being pretty is not equal to beauty!

"You were born an original. Don't die a copy."

~John Mason

A reminder once again to love ourselves the way we are, not blindly follow the trends :P oh i love this quote, really haha.

same old, same old

2011-06-11T23:34:00.002+08:00

i went to my high school's event, Paradisa tonight.
yeah, i felt like a fish out of the water.
the atmosphere was so strangely alien..
not wearing my glasses, i could not recognize faces that were faraway haha.
yeah, leaving this school just after junior high school makes me a 'stranger' with these people who have spent senior high school years together :(

yet, it was so familiar..
nothing's changed drastically with the facade of the school..
the teachers.. *i didn't meet a lot of them :(* are also not much different..
my friends! they have.. grown up haha x)
the girls donned pretty outfits and many of them came as couples, haha really happy for them. really, some of them are reaaaaally pretty :D
the boys.. some of them let their hairs grow *eww. i even mistook one of them as a girl D:* some grew taller, and some grew.. bigger ahaha xD
even one of my friends said 'ah many of our friends now have bf/gf alrd..' then i was like 'err.. even you too!' haha xD

it's like going back to the school.. i'm feeling nostalgic all over again haha.
the fun times.. the chattering.. even i was still mentioned in the same gossip lol..
yeah, time went by, but when we come together, it is still..
the same old, same old (:

my dear 'friends' at home

2011-06-10T19:59:00.003+08:00

:(
clavinova with its lid on.
violin and guitar in the corner with thick dust covering them.

yeah, after i went to Singapore, technically no one touched those musical instruments..
*not the guitar though, the guitar has been abandoned since long time ago.. WHY CAN'T I PLAY GUITAR D:*
haha maybe it's a good decision to sell my piano and have a clavinova instead.. cos an unused piano will look even sadder :(..
before that, i wonder how this house will be like when i'm not here.
no one will meet the violin with its bow, and no one will touch its piano keys.

can i promise myself to fully utilize these dear friends one day? *even the guitarrrrr*

i'd love to.

homecoming

2011-06-09T10:07:00.004+08:00

haha only 10 am and i have finished shopping in fairprice, withdrawing money and packing.
if only all days can be 'productive' like this morning.

gonna leave my laptop in Singapore *be good, you laptop.. umm that should be directed to me actually..*
one week only..
the shortest 'holiday' in my home yeah..
i have my targets set in mind, hope it will go well. *thinking about targets.. i need to clean this laptop :/*

i can imagine what my mother will say to me *my cracked lips.. my complexion.. my eyebags.. haha*
k, gonna say bye to Singapore for one week haha x)

hair decision (?)

2011-06-06T23:24:00.004+08:00

should i cut my hair short again this holiday?

i miss experimenting with my hair haha but on the other hand, sometimes i cannot sleep due to the warm *HOT! and humid* weather.

:/

2011-06-04T22:09:00.003+08:00

"We don't pick who we fall in love with, it will never happen the way we want. That's love."

short note to release stress

2011-05-31T23:16:00.006+08:00

just saw photos of school's fashion show..
gorgeous! i love some of the dresses!
argh i wanted to come so bad D:

on a side note, turns out that my ex-classmate was one of the models! :O
i didn't expect she likes modeling too..

on another side note, i like this fact that someone does not need to say it explicitly that you make him/her happy but both of you know you refer to the same moment x) haha it's just sooo sweet :P small details that make you go 'awwwww'

(:

2011-05-27T20:41:00.009+08:00

haha just saying, i wrote the previous entry because i think it's about time to share and not keep it with myself. i can really relate to that inferiority feeling, and i was suddenly have this feeling to write (and go on and on and on) my previous blog post. i didn't feel sad to be reminded of my past self. in fact, i am actually quite amazed to see how far i have grown.

and because i face constant hindrance to accept myself in my daily life. so it's not just you that sometimes feel like that. i still have that cut inside me, remember? and until now, everytime i feel good about myself or quite confident, someone will turn my feelings down.

i think.. i want to post something empowering, but well, i tend to go off point and.. i don't think i really sent the message. well, in the end, what you feel about yourself is determined by you alone. people can say whatever they want but if i am comfortable with myself, i can get up and pick up my pace easily x)

see, i mean, even me, a person that faces a lot of adversities constantly *no one will say that i'm pretty etc, EVEN my family won't* can be so confident like this haha. so, i'm sure you *wink wink* can gain your confidence too (: firstly, you are naturally pretty. secondly, many people have acknowledged that, sooooo... embrace it! xD

you.. remind me a lot of myself. i found that you have many similar interests as me, i like to be host and model too :P i am fortunate enough to be an emcee this year for a particular event in school haha xD i want another opportunity but although more intimidating, i want to be an emcee in more casual atmosphere rather than very formal event x) model.. oh well IF i can be one, i just want it as side job.. i cannot bear with the shoes they wear *think about it again, i can't bear for any shoes for a long time*, though they are gorgeoussss. and i love how the models can look amazing even though it is candid and impromptu.

there is this one senior that works as a fashion intern in elle magazine in Singapore currently and i am looking at it with envyyyy aaa. just being in fashion industry is very interesting already aaaaa

P.S: Again, a very incoherent and random post *rolling eyes*

my (previous) struggle

2011-05-23T22:21:00.006+08:00

i was tagged by my junior in a note, and she really reminds me of myself.. back then.

back then in Indonesia, in Junior High School, I have 4 closest friends. i am really grateful i have them, and i can be myself in front of them. but i suffered from quite a severe inferiority complex back then.

you see... in my eyes, these friends of mine are beautiful, and they have many things to be proud of, unlike me (let's say their names are A, B, C, and D). i know A since... kindergarten? i know her long time ago.. and now she has grown up to be a really beautiful young lady. really, everytime i walked home with her (her house used to be close to mine), people would turn their heads to look at her *even when we're wearing school uniform! and you should know that our school uniform was not exactly.. flaunting much and flattering anything*. hmm, rephrase that. everytime i walked with her anywhere. haha.

B is a sporty girl! but her look and her voice are really cute, and she can easily socialize with people... in fact, i think almost every week there would be people confess to her, and these 'news' become normal to me after some time haha. really, she is very popular..

C is quite misleading haha. she is smart, and she looks very calm and collected. however, after you know her, she is actually quite 'crazy' too. she is uber creative, and she can offer some mature advices. her handcrafts and drawings are cute and tidy, showing how meticulous she is :P i always associate her with words like 'lady-like', 'mature', etc..

D is a very special person to me. she is.. put it simply, very charismatic. there is something about her, her aura or something, that makes people notice her. everytime she made a speech or just went to the front, people would just stop talking and start paying attention to her. she is like my 'diary' and i can open up to her quite easily. she is very caring and she offers some good advices and perspectives as well. oh, and she is the only friend that often praises me about my physical appearance *thank you, i really appreciate it and it means so much to me, really..*

so.. i felt like.. no one. i am not the one who turns people's heads. i am not great with sports. i am not really good dealing with stress. i am not charismatic. i am awkward and not outspoken. every 'goods' that i have seem minuscule compared to them. i felt like everything in me is just.. mediocre.. only average at best..

people say i am smart, joining many competitions, mostly maths.. um yeah, but so are bla, bla, bla and bla, and i was not really on the top most of the time in school *in competition.. worse, i rarely clinched the awards haha*. people say i am good at drawing and i am quite artistic. yes, but she can do much better, and so are that one, bla, bla and bla. people say i can play piano well and i have musical flair. i picked up playing instruments quite easily *although i don't know how true it is*, and i have been accepted for some things *by audition* that i haven't had any experience on.. like auditioning for clarinet part in my school's orchestra in Indonesia, accepted to some 'unique' ccas (symphonic band, handbells ensemble, etc).. but if you ask, who is the one that can play piano well, my name will not appear for the first time. why can't i be 'first' at something? people may not say that i am the smartest, people will definitely not say that i am the prettiest, and people will say someone else who can do this better than me!

i buried myself very deeply in this feeling, and i feel really not confident about myself. and then there is this one close friend of mine, i told this person about these things. then this person said, 'why should you think like that? you have so much goods that i can't list..' i wasn't that convinced, but then that person continued, 'if you feel that you are not the smartest, the prettiest etc, think otherwise. it maybe true that you are not the best in this aspect, but think this way.. you ARE smart, you CAN play piano well, you CAN draw well, etcetc, combined together, who exactly can do all these things like you?' and i have made a 'pledge' to myself that i want to embrace myself just the way i am. and then someone asked jokingly, what if you won't get a boyfriend? i said, then it is not meant to be, i want to be with someone that can accept myself too :P haha yeah, it was the turning point, and i am comfortable in my own skin now.

about physical appearance.. i know that i am not stunningly beautiful etc, but i personally think that i am not bad :P even when looking at TV shows or movies, i sometimes think that i look better than some of the characters * whoo am i being overconfident? :P* yeah, so evolving from thinking 'i can see flaws in myself that people cannot see', now i think 'people haven't seen all the goodness that i can see in me'.

in daily life, i am a very casual person. i like to wear worn-out clothes, baggy or oversized clothes.. i prefer comfort over style usually at home. and even my own mother said one time when we were trying some clothes 'hmm, you actually have a nice figure, do you know?' haha of course i know :P everytime my mother said something about my body and say that i am difficult to get clothes that fit me, i will rebut that i have a nice body and it is just that i am quite tall and my legs are quite long *omgosh i sounded sooo vain, but it is quite true haha*. yeah, so, even my mother does not know how my body really is because i never flaunt it in any obvious way haha.

so, am i really over that inferior feeling *at least about physical appearance*? do i really get rid of all that low self-esteem? hmm.. sometimes not, i should say. there is always an obstacle for me to be fully comfortable about myself. people do not do it intentionally (or so i believe).. well maybe it is just me, my past struggle may have made the impact much greater..

one time there was an event, a kind of social event.. when we went to that event, this person praised me that i look pretty etc. but after that, in the event, there is this one girl. and then after the event, when asked by friends or seniors, how was the event, and how were the girls, this person said that there is only one person that is pretty that night (and it wasn't me) so... yeah. the comments before the event may just be an 'icing'.

and then i told this person about the previous story about my mother, this person said errrmmmmmm....... to me, the one that has a nice body is 'xyz'. so to that person, my body is not nice at all.

oh then, one time, we were just chilling out, sitting on a bench. and then there was this person saying 'oh my God, your leg looks so skinny!' disclaimer: it is not. i didn't reply *what should i say?* then another person said 'nooo, it is nice what..' and then the first person said 'ughh.. i think your definition of nice legs is different from mine...' i was thinking, just stop, should i hear it anymore? then that person said to me, 'i think if your leg is just 3 cm longer, it should be nice'. yeah, just what i need, a very nice compliment.. yeah in that person's opinion, my legs are not nice now, with the current length and state. since young, i want to be 170cm tall, then as i grow up, i begin to realize that it is quite impossible.. my height stalled at 162cm, and i hope, hope, hope so much that it can at least reach 165 cm. and this year my height was said to be 163cm! though i feel really okay about my height now, deep inside i still want that 165cm.. and then that person just mentioned it, opened my deep, old wound.

i was insecure about myself. i am not anymore, i like myself, but people do not seem to appreciate it. i wonder, what will people say to me if i have low self-esteem about my physical appearance? because definitely they will not say i am beautiful. maybe they will focus on 'inner beauty' and stuff, that i know is important but not really related to my insecurity. maybe that is why i do not have to feel insecure. i have this confidence that i have a nice physical appearance, though people do not seem to see it, so people do not have to feed me with soothing words that may not help me..

remember my best friend A that i mentioned earlier? one time we were having this HTHT about our insecurities, and having the lowest self-esteem, i opened up quite a lot of my insecurities. then A said to me, 'people say that i am pretty, i am beautiful, i have a nice body, etc. but what is really the benefit of having all of those? to attract boys? then it is useless for me, since i have a boyfriend already. really, what is the use of being beautiful?' (but beauty is NOT her only characteristic, she just wants to bring up the point that physical appearance is really not everything. anyway, i don't befriend A because of her looks.). and that got me thinking. yes, all this time we maybe 'obsessed' about our looks, but what is the purpose of doing so? if you finally have what you want, tall, lean and beautiful, then what? is it only to boost our ego, our confidence *because most of the time it is*?

and one of my secret wish *not a secret anymore now* is to be a model for RProject. people suggested this person that person etc to go for audition, but they never noticed and mentioned me. i like fashion, and i want to go just for fun. however my confidence took a backseat, i know i never mentioned this to anyone, but i didn't have supports to go for it. furthermore, my academics are not really great so that wish remains merely a wish. my dearest junior, if you read this, just try, there is nothing to lose right? don't worry too much and i FULLY support you, if the result turns out not the way you want it, DON'T let it shatter your confidence, because you ARE beautiful and i have realized this since the first time i met you *wooo haha sounds cheesy, but true*.

so.. more or less, i struggled to embrace myself, flaws and all, to gain confidence to be what i am now. i tend to think that all that imperfections and flaws make the 'perfect' me, because without those, i will not be who i am now! after all, we were all born with flaws, we cannot get away from that fact. and yeah, no one has the exact same combination as me, flaws and all :D i am still shy and reserved sometimes, but i have changed a lot, i have opened up a lot more now. if people cannot see what i see in myself *which is the case for me*, i am used to it now. it is nice to be appreciated, to be praised by people, but it is even nicer if we appreciate ourselves. we are all the same in God's eyes anyway. i have God, my parents, some friends who love me just the way i am.

hence, the title of this *looooong* post. my (previous) struggle. i am not sure whether i have fully gotten rid of that struggle, because there are constant obstacles along the way, criticizing me, and ripping my confidence to pieces. that old wound is still there as a scar, a reminder. sometimes someone cuts deep into it, leaving the wound gashing open again.

but for most cases, i like myself. i mean, yes i wish i am taller. i wish i don't have flat feet. i wish i don't have sweaty hands. and a thousand and one wishes. but what do i have? i have a decent height. i have two functioning eyes, how pretty it is will not affect the function right? i have two legs, no matter how long it is, i can still walk with it and if i fall, i can just get up. i have brown hair that i can experiment and style, though there are bad hair days but all people have those.. how beautiful the body parts is, they still serve the same function! so why should i strive and be envious of those? i am just grateful with what i have.. and strangely i have confidence that i don't know where it comes from.. one thing that i learned though, that you will never be satisfied with what you have if what you do is only comparing with others. that's because you only see snapshots of tidbits here and there, not the big picture :D oh, and i learned that many people actually feel the same things about themselves. so why should i feel insecure about myself because in my opinion this person has so much better qualities than me, but he/she himself/herself cannot see it?

PS: this post is very incoherent because i jump a lot from one topic to another, from one opinion to another. this is what you get when i feel strongly about a subject.. haha

seriously, what's the harm of LISTENING?

2011-05-22T21:40:00.006+08:00

i've had enough of people keep cutting me halfway while i'm talking.
SERIOUSLY, CAN'T THEY JUST SHUT UP AND LISTEN FOR A WHILE?

i'm not invisible you know, and i keep trying to make the same point, but people just DO NOT LISTEN.

i am a quiet person. when somebody cuts me, i usually just shut my mouth and keep silent, and i will try to bring up the same point afterwards. can't i just have one chance not to be interrupted?

and then they will ask, 'why are you so sensitive these days?'
arggh. so now i am the problem. oh yeah right. then after they say that, i feel bad and i cannot be angry to them. shucks why should i feel that way? why can't i just release my anger?

should i just be that reserved, quiet girl? can't i stand up for myself?

other thing that irritates me is that stereotype of girls. yes, i am a girl and i like to dress up (sometimes). but does that mean a girl needs to be all smiley and sweet or seductive?

one time there was this event, and the girl that was assigned to be an usher was told to change to skirts (she was wearing T-shirt and shorts). when i asked why, the person replied that it was for the sake of formality, wear something below the knee. and then the 'usher girl' changed to a dress that was shorter than her shorts, but this time, the person was satisfied. oh so now it is okay to wear something short as long as it is a skirt? why? and why in the first place a girl was assigned to be the usher? why can't it be a guy? i wonder would the person protest if the 'usher girl' changed to long pants? (because if the person did, i might argue and slap him)

and then when i said he was quite 'sexist', he said 'why are you so rebellious today?' what, now i cannot speak up my opinion? arghhh. and then in films or shows, sometimes there is this character which is a 'seductive woman'. she only appears to seduce, in a revealing or sexy clothes to exude sensuality blabla. i dislike.

AND. i just realized one more thing. girls tend to be given less portion of food than guys. even in school canteen. why? we pay the same amount! at least if the price is reduced, i won't qualm about it, but it IZ. the. same.

whoa i really sounded like a feminist. i am not intending to go into gender equality and rights etc. i am just fed up by the judgment. by the stereotypes. by all the treatment from people lately. people cannot judge me. what do you know about me? not much, i bet. i myself often surprise myself, so don't pretend you know me that well. and people, please LISTEN. what's the harm of it, for God's sake. i am really pissed right now. worst still, i can't express it properly in words, and so i will dwell with my anger throughout the night. shucks!

Breakeven (Falling to Pieces)

2011-05-09T18:21:00.003+08:00

i found the studio version of Xenia (from 'The Voice') singing this song. i like this girl with her smoky, raspy, mature voice. oh and i like the fact that she sang "Just prayed to a God that I DO believe in" instead of don't (:

and this is the original song by the Script. it is one of my favourite songs:

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while she got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven, even, no

What am I suppose to do
When the best part of me was always you and
What am I suppose to say
When I'm all choked up and you're okay

I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
'Cause she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven, even, no

What am I gonna do
When the best part of me was always you
And what am I suppose to say
When I'm all choked up and you're okay

I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One's still in love while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
('Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven)

You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame
Now I'm trying to make sense of what little remains, oh
'Cause you left me with no love and no love to my name

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while she got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't break
No it don't break, no it don't breakeven, no

What am I gonna do
When the best part of me was always you
And what am I supposed to say
When I'm all choked up and you're okay

I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One's still in love while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
('Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven)

Oh, it don't breakeven, no
Oh, it don't breakeven, no
Oh, it don't breakeven, no

Xenia from 'The Voice'

2011-05-09T18:07:00.003+08:00

there's this new show called 'The Voice', the first part is the blind audition where the 'coaches' only hear the contestant's voice and turn back when they like what they hear. one contestant really stood out for me, and she sang one of my favourite songs, "Breakeven (Falling to Pieces)" by The Script.

her voice was raspy and smoky, and it was so cool. she's only sixteen and she has a unique name, Xenia. if i were one of the coaches, i'd jump out immediately to press the button and turn around. i thought hmm how will she do? she's shy and reserved, and then she sang and i literally gasped. her voice is so mature, beyond her years, and i have never heard this song sung like this.. i like her a lot!!

pet peeves

2011-05-08T22:38:00.005+08:00

i have many of those D: am i that fussy?
hmm i have to keep track of such things and update them often haha.

1. people come in and out of my room without closing the door
seriously, what is the difficult thing about this one? arghhh sometimes my roommate's friends come in, and leave the door open. and they start to chat and laugh and blablabla, don't bother to close the door. i have to personally close the door *i hate it when i have to do that*, but when they go out, they leave the door open again! they don't get the message, do they? arrghh.

2. having my colour pencils/markers/etc not arranged in the order they are supposed to be
i even colour-coded my wardrobe, but not now. my current wardrobe is too small to have anything ordered properly. yeah, my colour pencils/markers/crayons are arranged in specific colour order, and i will be quite annoyed to have it altered. i have usually memorized the order, so i will immediately correct it when i notice something different..

3. someone behind me taps his/her foot against my chair
and when i turn back, he/she will say 'sorry'. but a few minutes after that, they start to tap his/her foot again. i just want to move to another place D:

4. people not replying to the messages i sent
if i don't wish to have a reply, i might as well talk to myself. i won't take the effort to send any message to you, man. at least acknowledge or something, my own phone responds more than such people do, ugh.

happy day

2011-05-08T19:29:00.002+08:00

haha funny how your day can turn upside down with a simple turn.
nothing to do with me, nothing spectacular happened to me today.
but my friend, my dearest friend, one of my best friends (:

yayyy i'm so happy for you x)
haha i have been waiting for this day to come for quite some time now :P
i know you are happy too, admit it! muahahaha *evil grin* xD
well i hope you are happy because you deserve it!

conclusion: today is greattt. haha *dancing and jumping alone in my room now yeahhh*

bad day

2011-05-06T23:42:00.004+08:00

ugh i hate a day like this.
when you woke up and just felt annoyed for no reason.
leaving me in a bad mood for the rest of the day.
and annoy other people too.

sigh maybe partly because of the dream i had last night.
i hate it.

living?

2011-05-06T23:42:00.003+08:00

i miss you. seriously.

don't ask why.
don't ask who.
sometimes i just don't want to answer.
why people have to question everything?
you think people always behave rationally?
can't they just sometimes do something out of your mind?

i don't know how i lived before this.
but, thinking about it again, maybe it just wasn't living.
it was just... getting by.
surviving every single day. but not living.

so should i be grateful?
don't know.
i just miss you. period. :'(

top 11 elimination (?)

2011-05-06T20:27:00.001+08:00

what.the.heck.just.happened.

i nearly fell from my chair, seriously, when i heard it.
results show, as always, was draggy and calm. until the last minutes.

Steven Tyler's birthday celebration. yay!! Stevie Wonder sang 'Happy Birthday' for him (:
Hulk Hogan (James Durbin's idol, apparently..) came, whoa.
and one, by one, the ripping news was revealed.

Thia Megia, who i thought was quite fresh and youthful finally (though not enough), landed in the bottom 3.
Stefano also landed in bottom 3 (well, no surprise, that's what you get when you tackled 'Hello', or any other song, not good enough).
however, the real surprise was.. Haley Reinhart who had been in bottom 3 the last couple weeks, WAS SAFE.
and taking her place was... CASEY ABRAMS.

what.....

and the real shocker was.. CASEY ABRAMS WAS THE ONE WHO GOT THE LEAST VOTES.
oh my, that talented, adorable, charming, entertaining musician? WHYYY.
was it because he sang first? was it because his angry performance scared some people?

Casey looked as shattered as i was, and he put on his poker face to sing 'I Don't Need No Doctor'.
i was still shocked when he sang, and even more anxious when the judges cut him in the middle of the song.
oh no, i thought, what else can be worse..
"We know who we you are, we don't need to see you sing any more," Randy Jackson said.
scary, scary. i was kinda scared of him fainting or sth, considering he had been M.I.A to be hospitalized a couple of times.
then Steven Tyler said, "This is crazy wrong! We've made a decision to keep you on!"

phew. THANK YOU.
everyone, including me, cheered.
that means there will be double elimination next time, and no more safety nets.
kinda interested where Casey will go after this.

i need to rest, my heart cannot take it anymore. yikes.

♥

2011-05-06T19:55:00.005+08:00

"do you know what will happen to something when there is a difference in height? it will fall.
do you know what will happen to electrons when there is a potential difference? they will flow.
do you know what will happen to heat when there is a difference in temperature? there will be heat transfer.

it is simply the law of physics.
when there is a difference, things will move.

maybe that is why you and me can be together.
we are so different and my heart is 'moved' by this difference.
I guess I am just trying to find the reason why I love you."

this is sooo cute. haha

what can you do when you mess up on stage? laugh it off

2011-04-25T14:52:00.006+08:00

i feel like a failure, haha seriously.
i had piano concert last thursday (21/4/2011), and i played two songs..
the first one was an anime song, Tori no Uta, arranged for 6 hands. and the other was Over the Rainbow, quite an upbeat, jazzy arrangement.
i am quite pleased with the Tori no Uta, at least we started and ended together (: yeah, it was not a challenging song, but still, i am happy that after all the hours i spent with my trio partners practicing, we could pull it off x)

the other song.. was another story all over again.
we only got the score like.. 3 weeks before the concert?
it was originally played only by 3 people, me on the keyboard, playing brass and bass, one playing the main piano and the last one playing accompaniment on piano also.
however, the last person turned away, and another person was called to play a part of the accompaniment, and the other part would be played by another person on violin.
well yeah, it was quite messy. and with so many people, it was very difficult to meet. and suddenly, like 1-2 weeks before the concert, another person was called to play the bass too, as my keyboard was kinda.. unheard. and then we found out that the person playing accompaniment on piano actually was playing the bass too! so there are THREE people playing bass. haha.
the violin and my brass part have some similar parts, so i am used to listening to the violin, and the others apparently are listening to me o.O however we were told to listen to the bass, and so we did.
the rehearsals went quite okay, we made quite a progress given very limited time that we had. and we only met like once a week? haha. then... the D-day.
the first part was only for violin and main piano. at the moment the violin played, i knew, i knew that it was out of tune. yikes.
i know that the strings of the violin were just changed, and it will stabilize after a week. argh but 1 hour before the concert, it was still fine D:
then, there we went. it was out of beat in some parts.. and i had to adjust some parts to be in the same bar with the violin. i know, i know my part wasn't played perfectly too. but i have to listen to others! i can't just play on my own what. ughh it was quite a chore. but then what could i do lol. just laugh it off on stage haha.

after the concert, my friends said that they can tell i am not used to play with the keyboard, because i played very staccato and maybe it was because of my long piano background.
what the heck. i am pissed and disappointed.
you know, my first musical instrument was actually NOT piano.
it was organ.
and then, piano came to my life.
that transition wasn't smooth also. i was very used to playing organ that my fingers weren't very strong to play piano.
and keyboard isn't a stranger in my life too. i played keyboard in church services. i played keyboard during a performance we had in a shopping mall.
and then keyboard was assigned to me for this song (over the rainbow). the first sessions we had, i played it as per normal.. and then the one conducting us said to me, whether i can make the notes more detached, and not all joined together. the song required me to play so, the conductor said. and moreover, it was quite annoying to hear the brass sound pressed for so long *and i agree, i hate the brass sound D:*
okay, i played it that way. haha there went my friends' reactions. yeah right, we're just a mediocre group trying to perform a tune which is out of our standard. and i, despite being so familiar with the instrument, apparently am still not good enough to deliver a great performance.

i am lying if i say i don't feel sad or disappointed. though they said i've done a good job whatever, they said quite subtly that especially the second song, wasn't really a nice performance. yeah i am my harshest critic. yeah, so you saw me smiling and laughing on stage. not because i was pleased, not because i was satisfied. but because i know nothing can be done to redeem it at that time, it's too late.

shush, you all. shut up. sigh, maybe i'm just tired that i am so angry now *and feel so much hatred :(*. i am not making excuses. i simply feel disappointed with myself that i gave this kind of impression from my performance. shucks. i'm gonna go sleep to hold the tears that are gathering.

in Christ alone

2011-04-23T19:18:00.007+08:00

this is one of my favourite church songs so far.
i love the lyrics, especially the last line of every verse..
yesterday was Good Friday, and we sang this song in the service, and the line 'here in the death of Christ, I live' and 'from life's first cry to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny' really touched me.
here goes the lyrics...

In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones he came to save:
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied -
For every sin on Him was laid;
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain:
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave he rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine -
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

along with the Passion Week, this song is perfect.. have a blessed day (:

top 11 performance- motown!

2011-04-08T23:51:00.003+08:00

well, motown... i LOVE me some motown, but it can easily go wrong... and turn into a wedding/ cruise ship/ (Simon Cowell's insults) performance. however, this is quite a good night! i quite love it haha x)

1. Casey Abrams
aaa kiss-of-death spot :/ well, he sang one of my favourite songs, "I Heard It Through The Grapevine", and he interpreted the song with such angst that it was quite... scary. he squeezed the mic, he growled to the audience, he clenched his teeth... and it was quite confusing why he delivered it in such a way. maybe it was just his passion coming through, and i really can feel his passion in his performances! and when he sang, "I'm just about to lose my mind," i BELIEVED him, haha xD the growling is a bit too much..? i think? however, Casey has this quality of being unique and interesting, so his performances are always memorable (: Randy commented, "You're a true original. You can only do you--and that 'you' is great!" yes, Casey, keep being you, please :D

2. Thia Megia
she is the youngest contestant, but her voice and her song choices are so.. mature, that they are verging on being 'old'. and i was quite interested to see how she fares doing Martha & The Vandellas' "Heatwave". for once, finally, she acted like her age! it was refreshing to see her move around the stage, let loose, and wearing cute little dress (unlike the blah boring dress the previous week -__-). i think she stepped it up with this performance, though it wasn't exactly mind-blowing.. she managed to switch it up a little bit before i get too bored with her! i think she slipped up and forgot the lyrics at one point (did she?) but she managed to cover it and not to let it show too much. quite a good job! it was her best live performance so far, i think..

3. Jacob Lusk
one word: wow. Jimmy Iovine is right, nobody was more perfect than him to sing Motown. Jacob really captured the spirit of Motown and he sang one of my favourite songs too, "You're All I Need to Get By". oh yeah! one of his weakness is that he often oversang a song, and did too much with the high notes, but i think this performance was superb. all the judges raved about it and Steven dubbed him 'Baby Luther' and gave him a congratulatory hug. after that, Ryan asked a row of fans to get up on stage and hug him too... err i think it's a bit too much -_-; but i do think that the performance was amazing.

4. Lauren Alaina
ah, another one of my favourite songs, "You Just Keep Me Hangin' On". man, she looked beautiful, and she looked confident too, after her confidence was shattered by the critics she received. well her vocal is strong, it is a fact, it is no new information.. but i just don't feel enough. Jennifer said she had so much attitude in this performance, but i don't quite agree. she didn't deliver the much needed swagger for the song, and though it wasn't bad, it wasn't awesome.. oh well but she will be safe, with her wide fanbase..

5. Stefano Langone
i never liked him.. and hearing that he picked "Hello" to sing made me dislike him even more. "Hello" was sung by David Cook back in Season 7 and that performance back then turned him from just one of the guys to THE guy to be beaten. David delivered the emo, haunting version of the song and i was thinking there's NO way Stefano can top that performance. and Stefano's performance was indeed.. weird. he looked so.. forced, verging on desperate. yikes, the veins were bulging on his forehead and neck, i wouldn't be so surprised if he suddenly exploded. he looked so tense and it was quite uncomfortable to watch him! Jennifer told him, , "I don't want the intensity to come from you wanting to do well, I want the intensity to come from your heart breaking." wow J.Lo is actually quite good with the critics!

6. Haley Reinhart
i thought she was gone the previous week, but she stayed on.. she sang "You Really Got A Hold On Me". aih, i think it was a bit too over-the-top. it was too much growling, too much rasp, and she showed too much leg. ugh, not a really nice sight to behold. why why why she chose to wear something like that. dislike dislike. the latter half of the song was quite good, but i don't know whether she is safe, because she has so far continued her journey by being in bottom three every week. Steven, of course, said it was 'beautiful' (his favourite adjective, obviously. aiya, i begin to miss Simon Cowell, Steven is quite an ineffective judge, all he does is always telling everyone that they're great). Jennifer told her that she may have the most soulful voice of anyone in the competition, hmm maybe, but she has so far not delivered really great performance with growling in every sentence.

7. Scotty McCreery
he has never, ever, left his lane of country music. yeah, he is great in singing country, whatever, but i really need to see the other side of him. and this week, he has to leave his lane hahaha. he chose to sing "For Once In My Life". oh i remember the disastrous performance of the same song by Megan Joy back in season 8 (don't get me wrong, i'm a fan of hers). and Scotty wanted to do a countrified version of the song. nyehh i don't really like it.. but well the judges loved it and i bet his fans too.. sigh sigh.

8. Pia Toscano
ok, so she sang "All In Love Is Fair". hmm, she looks beautiful. and she sounded great. as usual. cliche. that is a matter of fact. no surprise, nothing new. she sang ballads 3 times in a row! i began to feel quite bored. Randy said, "Ballad, ballad, ballad. Come on, give me a midtempo at least! We can't live on ballads alone." Jennifer also moaned, "Again you kill us with one of your killer ballads. But if I'm going to give you any constructive criticism...We've seen you sit there three times and do a ballad." yes man, my brain was turned off immediately after a moment watching her, and i felt sleepy watching it. her voice is indeed great, and tackling high notes is effortless for her, but man i don't feel any excitement whatsoever watching her. now that she got some critics about it, it is interesting to see what she will sing next time!

9. Paul McDonald
he is one of my favourite singers (no surprise..) but he chose to sing "Tracks of My Tears"! ahhhhh Adam Lambert sang it back in Season 8 and he delivered such a heartfelt performance with the stripped-down version of the song. i was quite nervous about this. but well, his voice and Adam's are so different that we cannot compare the two. Paul brought his guitar along and had fun on stage. he looked so much more at ease with his guitar, yes i enjoy his 'McDonald two-step' but it began to feel like a gimmick. when he sang "People say I'm the life of the party", yeah, i believe him! with such a grin, how could he not be? the judges liked him, dubbed him the 'most seasoned performer' and all. he has such a charm and charisma for a performer x)

10. Naima Adedapo
whoa, whoa! what a performance! she sang "Dancin' In The Streets" and she took it to a whole new level with her African dancing o.O it was hot! she danced! she sang! she smiled! it was exciting to watch and i was feeling refreshed after that. learning from her experience dancing and singing "Umbrella" the last time, she chose carefully when to dance so she won't be out of breath. it was great! i love this girl x) J.Lo even said Naima gave her "my first little goosebumps of the night" yeahhhhh! her personality comes through in every performances she gave and she is a really unique performer (:

11. James Durbin
the pimp spot! ooh the rocker rocked "Livin' For The City", a song for a big personality and a big voice. i initially didn't like him, because i think he's just an Adam copycat, and there is only ONE Adam. but well, he is being himself, and i don't think he purposefully imitates Adam. he just happens to have rocker voice and persona too.. though i think Adam is always on point with the pitch and notes and James sometimes don't. this performance is great! some parts, especially the beginning were quite shaky, but overall it was fantastic (:

Good Morning texts

2011-04-08T20:35:00.008+08:00

sincerelyjudy:

They’re just so nice to receive. Just the thought of someone thinking about you when they wake up, or waiting for you to wake up and talk to them is nice. It’s cute to know that someone wanted you to sleep well or wake up. It’s just a good feeling to, in a way, be looked over. It’s a nice feeling to know you’re in someone’s thoughts.

(Source: sensubeans, via faintest-ink)

'this maybe just an egoistic wish of mine, but i want that special someone to sleep later than me and wake up earlier than me. i want to sleep not long after he said good night, so it can accompany me through the night. but in reality, i do not sleep early. and at late nights, i often feel lonely and cold.. after he said good night, i don't have someone to talk to if i can't sleep because he has slept.. when i wake up, i want to hear him saying 'good morning', what a perfect way to start a day.. well, but i realized this is very self-centered, and it will only happen in my perfect imaginary land..' (from the story of a friend)

however, i do realize that i have someone to count on, and i am grateful of that (:

top 12 elimination

2011-04-08T20:08:00.004+08:00

dun dun dun dun... not really a surprise, actually. Karen Rodriguez was eliminated, leaving the top 11 to battle it out next time. Randy said the decision was not unanimous (hmm really? someone wanted to save her? J.Lo?), but in the end the Judges' Save was not used on her.

Haley Reinhart and Naima Adedapo ended up in bottom 3 too... looking at this trend, Haley should be the one going home next time..

ah, and the group number tonight is mash-up of "Born To Be Wild" and "Born This Way" (Lady Gaga). really? quite cheesy, i thought. much like a glee club! why Idol went this route...

one of the guest performers was Black Eyed Peas. Fergie looked so... different o.O i will never know that it is her actually, if she is not the only female singer in B.E.P...

the other one was Lee DeWyze, singing his song "Beautiful Like You". Lee was Season 9 Idol winner (season 9 is a flop, in my opinion.. i didn't even watch it). well, he delivered the song with his trademark throaty voice..

top 11 next! :D